Rocks in my shoe.

2009-12-01T16:20:00.004-06:00

Facebook has essentially eliminated the desire to blog. But for some reason i am drawn back to this old blog. It's a time capsule of my life, and i am feeling nostalgic. I also know that no one reads this anymore. so writing is stupid and pointless. but then in the future i can look back and see how far i have come- or not.
I need to know that i have been here before. That I can rid this stuck feeling. The "rut" i am in.

I know that i have been pouring my heart into all the wrong things, and now i have nothing to put my heart into. I can't say i that i love god, cause right now i can barley remember him let alone love him. Prayers taste funny in my mouth.
It's not that i don't believe in a god, it just doesn't mean as much to me anymore.
The things is...i am slowing wanting it to really mean something! i want answers. i want to feel again. feel something.

I am a passive observer in my own life. It's like watching a movie of my life, and i can't do anything to control it.
Someone press pause please.

Sometimes it feels as if life is just ticking away. I am in second year now. 19, i can drink and smoke all i want. But i still don't know what the hell is going on in this effen world.

2009-01-18T15:10:00.002-06:00

This might not make sence untill you have read Dante's inferno....But i am giving thanks to god for giving me not only his son, but also my own personal Virgil

2008-12-02T12:42:00.002-06:00

I feel like a gerk, but what could i do. I was forced to kick out one of my roommates today. the next 24 hours will be hell, as he moves out.

2008-11-15T01:49:00.003-06:00

I'm living my dream right now. As pathetic as it may sound. it's almost 4 in the morning, i've had too much caffine. i'm painting. i havn't slept. but i feel great. Wonderful infact. I'm up late, over caffinated and covered in paint. Ahh this is the life. right now i;m just waiting for a layer of paint to dry. i\m making use of those paints that i poured paint all over the other day by accendent, and i love them. I like the painting i am doing right now. i'm going to call it "we in this together"

I had a late night talk with my brother and sister tonight. and i am at peace, becuase as messed up as the hodge family is, and always will be...as many miles as we are apart, te history, the fights...we love each other. I thank god that i'm not alone in everything.

2008-10-27T16:54:00.004-05:00

Yeah, so i'm so overcaffinated that i have heart palipations. lovely. i'm having a lovely evening...not getting any work done.

I have fallen in love with a cafe called crumbs. This place is exactly the kind of place i want to own someday.
therefore i'm day dreaming like crazy...
oh and there are englich boys that hangout here.
i'm going to have those when i own a place like this too. yeah. for serious.
so i really should get back to work, i have a date with aristotle, then i'm going to have a fling with Virgil. Yeah, i'm playing the philosophy field.

2008-10-22T09:20:00.003-05:00

So i'm starting to get the nervous, anxious feeling about moving.
I know that it isn't set in stone, and that it's not for almost 7 months...but still i'm starting to get that feeling in the pit of my stomac.

it's funny, i've moved before. a few times, all a points in my life that i was far more impressionanable and easily scared than i am now...but i have never never had this long to think about it. when i moved to N.B i only had a about 3 months to think on it. Grandbay move, seems like even less. Fredericton, HA i barly thought about it.

so maybe all this time to plan and stuff isn't all that great

i'm just well nervous, and scared to leave my friends.

I have great friends, maybe not tuns but friends that i can truly rely on. What if i don't meet more friends like these.

i'm going to miss you guys so much.

and in a way i feel like i am abandoning you. Plans, dreams, things we were going to do when we graduate.

i'm in no way changing my mind, because i think if i were i would be kicking my self for years to come, i;'m just relising how hard it will be for me.

Not all who wander are lost.....

2008-10-11T12:54:00.007-05:00

Well... i'm not lost, although i think i'm going to spend the next few years of my life convincing people of that fact...

Next year, either late spring or early summer i'm thinking of taking a big move...bigger move than ever before. i think, more than think at this point actually more like plan, that i am moving to winnipeg.

In winnipeg i'll attend the university of manitoba, which has an excellent fine art/art history program.

I'm dying to go to art school.

i'm thinking/planning of doing a year to 2 years in winnipeg-then another big move back closer to "home" to halifax to attend nscad for the remainder of my degree. This is for the simple reason that i am in love with that school, and i could get more specialized there. Plus over the last 5 years, i've come to love the maritimes and plan to settle ( OMG) here someday....
not that it's going to happen any time soon.

hey maybe i will make it my goal to live in as many different places as possible before i'm 25.

So ya, some wandering is in the future, thankfull i have some strong support for the decison and feel that this, is the best thing.

Saint thomas...i'll be back, some day...
if i had more money than i would do both, but i have my whole life ahead of me. cause life dosn't stop at 20 and it certainly won't stop if i "switch boats in the middle of the lake" HA.

How productive am I?

2008-10-09T17:44:00.002-05:00

That's a good question.

over the last while i have:

watched the equivalent of 3 seasons of friends
scanned over 100 old pictures
scanned my face 7 times
spent far to many hours on facebook
blogged
gone to see a movie
oraginized my music several times
fliped my calender
cleaned a penny

2008-09-20T08:40:00.002-05:00

Here's the truth...
nothing but the truth,

I'm a failure

i'm messed up

i make mistakes

i've been fake, put on a mask, pretended to be something that i'm not, something no one is. i've but on the face like i've got it all together...but thats a lie. i'm messed up and so are you.

time to face the facts, to be honest to be TRUE,REAL,AUTHENTIC.

That is what i long for...not just long, not just search for...i'm hunting for it

to know the true, real and AUTHENTIC Jesus, in his awsome, revolutionary and edgy way, and then...note that understanding Jesus is my first step. Then i can be who i was made to be. Right now, right here though...i'm being real but admitting something that our human nature makes it hard to do...that i'm certainly not perfect- that i have issues. i'm sorry.

Last night, lying looking up at the ceiling i thought about just the things that i did wrong that day...and to be honest, i was ashamed. In the same way that sometimes i don't feel like i fit in with a group because they are better people than me, to feel ashamed and know that i am the most messed up one...i realized that i was in the presence of GOD. And holy crap did that shake me to the core. to realize that i was in the presence of a divine, perfect and unimaginable being, and i felt shame. i was listening to a talk...and there was a story that went like this:

in my dream i was in a waiting room before heaven
in the room sitting on the couches was me,mother thersa, a few of my buddies and hitler. over an intercom a voice called people in by two's to be judged. i thought to my self....let me go in with hitler...not mother thersa please not mother thersa, she will make me look bad...but hitler, well i'll look like a saint. finaly i'm called in...with hitler. "YES!". i walk in the room thinking that it will go well because compared to hitler i look good. THEN i see god, and flat on my face i fall. comparing my self to hitler or others no longer matter because i have seen the face of God, and now i compare myself to GOD!

as i listen to this story, i was mentally lying face first on the ground before the lord.

and i learned this,the awazing thing--that as messed up as i am, GOD LOVES TO PICK ME UP, CLEAN ME OFF, TAKE CARE OF ME AND FIX MY MISTAKES, HE LOVES ME. this is something that i have known for ages, but to FEEL it was a tottaly differnt thing

2008-06-16T16:48:00.000-05:00

This was supposed to be a good day.

2008-06-10T16:14:00.023-05:00

Damn it, I want to be an artist. Thats it. Thats the truth the hard shocking truth. The kind of truth that my parents will worry about, the kind that society says is crazy.

I want to me a stay at home mom, but try telling the guidance counscillor that. It's worse than saying that you want to be an artist of a living.

I want to be the kind of mom that stays at home and homeschools her kids and lets them play in her art studio.

Sure there are all kinds of things that i know i could do, things that i may be more succesful at, things that will make my parents more happy. My mom once said, and i'm not sure if she understood how much this hurt me, that she would love to paint for a living but she needs to do something that brings glory to god. That made me snap, our of anger and sadness. It broke my heart to hear my mom say that painting dosn't bring glory to god. Not that i agree with that at all! I'm of the mind that God wants us to create. He gave us the ablity to create and it makes him happy to see us use our gifts. Creating for the Creator is my motto and i'm sticking to it. Just like an Art teacher does (should in my case) be very please at any creation a student makes because they are using what they have learned. r how and english teacher is pleased when a student picks up a book or writes a poem, i think God is happy when i paint.

So here the thing, i'm of the mind set that God isn't stuck up in the details. I DON'T think that God has ONE thing that i am called to do. I think as long as i do something that uses the gifts and talents that he gave me, that it is healthy for me, and i do that thing using what he has taught me, in love then i'm golden. I've said it before and i'll say it now: it's like a parent that takes their child to the park. They say "Have fun", be carful, and don't hit. They don't say: you are destined to play on the swing for 10 mins and then the slide for 5.5 mins. Thats my theory---that god is like that parent.

And honestly i think of all the things that i could do, of all the playgroud equipment that i can use and i'm drawn to a few specifically, but thats MY desire.

There are so many different careers that though my life i've wanted to be...here i'll make a list of all the different things i've wanted to do with my life:

from the first idea i ever had to present:

A vetrenarian and a mom
A doctor and a mom
A firefighter and a mom
An engineer and a mom
An architech and a mom
A writer and a mom
a councillor and a mom
A radio jurnalist and a mom
A youth pastor and a mom
A minister and a mom
A business owner and a mom
An international Aid worker and a mom

hmm. see a pattern there?

When i sit and think of all the things that i can do i simply picture this, me being able to take my kids to the park and Huge canvases lining the walls of my fabuluos and spacious studio are the only things i see.

So you saw the list of the possible careers i've thought about...now get this:

Ace

Alister

asher

terance

hunter

xavier

elijah

issac

nataniel

nathanael

paul

gavin

silas

mack

harrison

samuel

Ada

Adaia

Juno

genna

sadie

Addie

gray

Adora

Agape

aimée

amélie

Anna

sophie

faith

jayne

jane

norah

moriah

ava

catherine

These are only like a quarter of the names that i have been compiling since i could write. Names that i would consider naming my kids.

But then my head feels like it's going to explode. Cause well..WHAT THE HELL. i don't even have a boyfriend. And i've got lists of names. geezh.

Then i get to thinking...If i want to be an artist...I REALLY DO, Why am i not going to art school. why am i going to STU.

BUt then i think to my self...but i want to do that too...
then i want to get my masters...
and i want to travel
and i also would like to have a place to live and not be homeless with a masters degree and so much debt that i have to slip out of the country and become a refguee because i spent 8 years learning about internation aid to protect them. GOD. i can't even make it though a year of university with out a loan and i want to get my masters and go to art school.

But...i know the good old verse. thru him all things are possible... and i need to trust him. Trust him with my money, which i'm trying desperatly to do, even tithing is super hard for me. Even though in the long run i always have enough money if i do tith...

But honestly i just want to paint. Big canvases and loads of coulor and paint stained clothes and messy hair.

That what i want. I want to do commisions and sell paintings. Who cares if i don't even make minium wage off of them. For instance i'm getting paid for a painting tomorrow that i spent several weeks working on and i;m getting 250$ which sounds nice...but if you think of the canvas and the paint ans the time...well it's not going to pay rent.

Frig. I Dream in paint. NO joke. I DREAM in paint. with the occasional dream in chalk and pastel.

I have nbo idea what i am feeling. it hurts my head.

God, please make this make sence. And i haven't even thought about the fact that graduation is next week. oh dear.

2008-06-05T19:19:00.001-05:00

Ohh yeah, i forgot. I Got an offer for a Solo Art show next spring!!!

I also have most of my room mates for next year, just waiting on some clarity from 2.

Holy jeepers

2008-06-05T19:16:00.002-05:00

Holy jeepers, i'm basically finished! i have no more classes in highschool, and i'm slightly confused about how i feel about it. Excited, sad, scared? ohh dear. too much at once.

2008-05-08T19:29:00.002-05:00

I don't get it, i really don't. yesterday and even earlier today i was freaking out. what am i going to do this summer, what am i supposed to be? am i going to get that scholarship? will i get that job? will i pass that test?
.
.
.
but right now, in this moment, all of that is gone.
i am compleatly....CONTENT. there is no other way to discribe it.

Thank the Lord.

Update

2008-05-02T10:48:00.004-05:00

So this has been a difficult month, and i see no let up any time soon. I didn't get the job at camp medley, something that i tried to be prepared for but was still hard to take. The idea about living in freddy for the summer is also not happening because of the expence, i really need to save as much as possible this summer.
So my options right now are to go to winnipeg and stay with my sister and family and work there...or stay in N.B
i applyed to camp brookwood, something i was concidering doing last summer anyway. And we shall see what happens with that.
Please pray that i will know with absoulute clarity what is the best option.
i'm all done IB art, but my other courses have picked up and my work load is the same if not bigger.
well thats all for now.

Update.

2008-04-18T18:31:00.005-05:00

So here's the update.

It's the second term of the last semester of my highschool life. A twing of nostalga as a think about these last 4 years.

I have my prom dress,and my white dress.

And Ib art is just about finnished.
I signed a lease for a house, i start moving in slowly starting in may!

The art show went well, i sold 7 paintings for a total 390$ And have been comissioned to do a painting of carmarthen street that will bring in 300$ and two more possible commisions from an architectural firm. ( details not worked out)

No word yet about if i'm hired or not at camp medley for this summer, i'm getting a bit anxious. I have decided that if i don't get hired i'm moving to fredericton early and doing summer session at STU. maybe work part time. But just to get my feet wet if you get what i mean. aLthough camp is where i really want to be.

Still havn't decided what i want to take next year. the program i wanted to take is not being offered. and the alternative includes english which is not what i was really intresseted in.

Also keeping in mind that i may end up at the ART colledge in fredericton if STU dosn't work out for me next year. Or even end up in winnipeg. but thats farther in the furtur. at least 2 years in fredericton.

well i have a ton of work to do...2 history papers, 2 can lit papers, and another history paper and a commentary. plus getting ready for my art exam. sigh.

2008-04-07T18:47:00.002-05:00

So in Can Lit we had to read a poem and then write a story about the character. Here is mine and kat's.

I’m waiting for the phone to ring
On Valentines day
I fell asleep on the floor
So now I’m staring at the ceiling
I really should paint it
It looks kind of gray
I really should get up
but I like it this way
Nice and flat on my carpet
I should be ashamed of myself
Lying here
In the middle of books and bottles
And letters and socks and newspapers
I really wish that I wasn’t such a bum
I should be out there
Enjoying life at full throttle
I’d get people to jump with a snap
Man, I’ll start tomorrow
Right now I gotta nap.

On the back of my door hangs my bulletin board, and attached to it with tacks are my calendar and random pages of paper. Most pages are lists; things to do, things to buy, phone numbers, and other stuff. Stuff that I will most likely never end up doing. I strive for self improvement, I really do, but some days…well, most days I haven’t the drive or will power.

The floor is hard because the carpet is so thin; It’s actually increasingly thin where I’m lying, ‘cause I just lay here on a daily basis. I like the feeling of lying on a hard surface; it keeps me alert, awake and alive.

So…Why am I still waiting for him to call? I doubt he ever will. It’s hopeless, really, and it isn’t bound to solve anything.

I should just get up and go meander around town. Find love in other places, in the world around me. And not just in a single person, but in everything. The trees, the architecture, the water. Some days I’m more in love with the city itself than the people in it. I’d rather wander by my self, smoking a good cigar, looking at interesting buildings, than “hang out” and talk about nothing with people that I know will disloyally judge and talk about me as soon as I leave. Maybe I’ll end up all alone, living in one the houses that I presently tend to pace outside of and occasionally sketch or paint. I’ll stand in the window, admiring the brickwork in the archway over the neighbor’s very stylish Georgian door.
I look down at my ripped, partly bleached pants. Frig. I need to get a new pair. They are starting to wear, fray and just look grungy. I guess my whole room is sorta like that. There are still blocks of white that we left blank when we painted my room orange a few years back. I had planned to fill them with my own paintings, but now they just remind me of something else that I neglected [I only suggest neglected, although failure implies an aspect of her personality…change it back if you will!] to do. There’s no real point in doing it now, next year, I plan on packing up all of my stuff---and myself, of course—to leave and get an education. I’ll only take the worthwhile things with me next year, which, to most people, looks like junk. The maps on my walls that I’ve spent hours pouring over, my favourite books (most of which belong not to me but to my brother). I’ll take my journals and some old mixed CDs and my favourite pillow too.

I guess next year to me is a fresh start, a clean slate. Maybe I’ll change over the summer, cut my hair, and buy a pair of heals to go with a whole new wardrobe. That’s the thing about moving: You can change, and no body knows, other than your family who are usually too busy packing or attempting to keep things the same to notice that you’ve changed. Ironic, really.

I get to change a lot, to pack up and move or just switch schools. Some of the people who manage to witness the changing have accused me of lying to myself and to others about who I really am, but I don’t see it that way. I see it a little something like…trying on a bunch of different hats or some sort of other clothing, wearing them around for a bit, seeing how they feel, and whether or not they suit you. Eventually you can pick your favourite hat and get comfortable in it. For some people, this happens really early on, I’ll be old when it happens for me, I bet, but who knows? I seem to like the hat I’m wearing right now. Maybe I’ll keep it.

On the topic of hats, I really should clean my room, or at least add it to my to-do list, considering there are hats and stuff all over the frigging place. The pile of bottles in the corner is growing, and I should really deal with it, and the stack of newspapers is getting ridiculous. Honestly, how many times can I read the same news over again? Reading the newspaper and watching the news are how I keep up with what’s wrong in the world. I wish it were the opposite, but I’m fairly pessimistic for an optimist. Wait, maybe it’s the other way around. …Oh well.

Every night it’s the same routine: I watch the news, and maybe some sort of news related show like “the hour”, and then, I turn the dial on my radio from CBC to the local comedy channel. That way I can feel well-informed about the world without going to bed depressed every night. My TV is so old, that thing is about as deep as it is wide and must weigh close to 50 pounds. I moved across my room the other day and was pleasantly surprise to have a new channel, a less depressing one too!

Well, I really should get up and go do something. I get the feeling that the phone isn’t going to be ringing, and even if it does, I doubt it would amount to anything essential. That’s what I should be doing right now—amounting to something. But…maybe I’ll work at that later. Right now, I gotta nap.

2008-03-27T09:13:00.001-05:00

AHH, so i'm stressing out. Art show opens tommorow, huge test today, and a possible house thing.

2008-03-22T23:34:00.000-05:00

The nose ring.

I Got my nose peirced in september, a day i'll never forget.

I learned that my nose has a tendancy to bleed a lot and that you should never run on a treadmill right after you have lost so much blood.

I've become very attached to the ring, more than a little stud i could have chose.

I even like it better than i did my brow.

the only problem is that my body dosn't like it, neither do my parents or my doctor at that.

He keeps telling me to take it out so i can get off the medication.

So am at a point where i can't decide. I've become attached to the ring, what it looks like and also what it stands for.

But it can be a hassel and i really should be more responible.

So a decison has to be made, to keep it and enjoy...for how long i must ask my self, or to take it out, let the healing runs it's course and possibly have a scar on my nose for prom and graduation.

sigh.

Febuary twenty ninth

2008-03-14T17:03:00.000-05:00

"the garbage chips"

This is after school i believe, underwood throw out a bag of partly eaten chips. sara decided to take them back. mhhhm. cough.

Side note:

i havn't updated the blog for so long because i was in winnipeg and too busy. But i did take pictures!

2008-02-29T17:33:00.003-06:00

I'm so frustrated.
There are so many things that i want to say, but you're never around. there are days when i think that you forget about me. or days that you chose to ignore me. Instead of listening to me, you lecture me about issues in my life. I wish that you could relize that i'm not going to be around next year and this is your last shot.Maybe if you took some time, which if you re-arrange things and set some prioties you might have,you could have a proper realtionship with me.I miss you.

"Nice christian girls and boys"

2008-02-16T14:59:00.020-06:00

warning: read it all the way thru or you'll get the wrong idea...it's long, so really, if ya want to skip it be my guest.

I've been a nice christian girl my whole life ( debate this to your hearts content) but latley i've been doing a lot of thinking, and mulling about ideas in my mind .And i have come to the conclusion that i don't want to be a "nice" christian girl any more.

You see i'm sick of being a "nice" christian girl, Christianity has become so watered down and mellow and i hate it. I have been what is discribed in Revelation 3:16 ...luke warm.

"But since you are lukewarm and not hot or cold, I'm going to spit you out of my mouth."Revelation 3:16

That dosn't sound all that hot. So not for me. I refuse to be luke warm! i don't wanna be spit out.

I found this guy's blog about this very topic and he said this:

we need men and women who are madly and passionately in love with Jesus…who have a Philippians 3:10-11 mindset, who take Hebrews 12:2 view in life, who realize Philippians 2:5-11 was the BOLDEST move ever made and who want Matthew 22:36-40 to be true in their own lives.

That's what i want for my life! I want to be a women who is madly and passionately in love with Jesus…who has a Philippians 3:10-11 mindset, who takes Hebrews 12:2 view in life, who realizes Philippians 2:5-11 was the BOLDEST move ever made and who wants Matthew 22:36-40 to be true in their own lives.

And for those of you feeling a little lazy here are those verses:

10I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
5Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
6Who, being in very nature[a] God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
7but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature[b] of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
8And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
9Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
10that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
11and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.

36"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" 37Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'[a] 38This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'[b] 40All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

I guess that this isn't really a new thing...it's been mulling around in this nogan of mine for ages now. It's one of the reasons that several months ago i changed my "Religious Views" on my facebook page from Christian to Christ Follower. Somedays i am compleatly embarassed and ashamed to be called a christian because i see what my fellow " Christians" are up too. Somedays i wish that i could rid myself of the Title christian for ever and just go by some other title that for the time being is still acceptable, Like Christ follower, Jesus follower.Although i know that eventually Sin will destroy those titles as well

Those titles seem so much more friendly and inviting to me with out all the negative connotations of religious brodcasting and crusaides.So what if they make me sound like a dirty hippy trying to go against the system.

Maybe i'm to sensitive. Every time some one refers to be as the religious one ( which happens a lot) i am quick to correct them. Not because i have a problem with people knowing the i have faith and stick to it ( thats a good thing and i hope that people will be able to tell) but because it brings all kind of images in my mind mostly about people on TV asking for money or fundamental religious fanatics that just want to "win your soul for day Lord , allulia!" REally what i want to tell them is “but I’m not THAT, kind of ‘religious’ person”. Often i say " well i'm not religious but i'm SPIRTUAL" but really this may have the exact same impact on the person.

Really what i would love to be is title free.Titles limit us as much as the define us. The problem is that the world is so focused on titles for everything "what do you do?" "what religious ideas do you subscribe to?"

What ever happened to that old annoying song " they will know we are christians by our love" i wish that The term christian could be stripped down and people could understand what it's all about.

Christian means Little Christ. As christians we are supposed to strive to be more and more like Jesus Christ. Maybe it's just me and the reason the i have been labled is because i'm a "nice christian girl". Well That What i'm kinda getting at i guess As I strive to be a passionate lover and follower of Jesus i want people to know what i belive in and stand for by my love,my nature, and through Jesus himself reflecting through my life.

Now of course this is going to take work, and it isn't going to be easy but it't definatly worth it. I think that i really need to examine my life, What am i doing that i shouldn't be, what i should be doing that i'm not, and if there is something more that God wants be to pick up and bear like a cross.

Then comes the Guilt... I feel as if i'vr failed my fellow Jesus lovers by blackening the name and bringing apon shame. so here goes.

I Am so sorry to all of you.
to the christians: i'm sorry if i have done to you exactly what i have ben dicribing, embarrased and brought to shame.
To the non christians ( that just made me cringe ) i'm sorry that i have given you a false representation of Jesus. Jesus is not who i have made him out to be through my behaviour. Sure Jesus is edgy and certainly not a "nice jewish boy" but he didn't do things like gossip and make rude gestures behind his mothers back.

Sure it's not just Christians that do this other religious have their titles that they must be ashamed of, or groups that they don't want to be associated with. I'm sure that there are musilims out there that correct people and say " i'm not that kind or musilim."

So more on love...I think that Love is what it's all about, and to quote the beatles " love is all we need" which works pefectly in the christian sence because GOD IS LOVE 1 john 4:16 ( oh dear i'm going to have the song stuck in my head all night as i had to sing the beginning of the song to remember the reference)And that religion with out love is religion with out god...which to be sounds pretty foolish and pointless. So there you go. My religion is now the religion of love. As a side note the word christian is mentioned only 2 times i think but the word love is mentioned around 610x in the KJV. So you tell me what's more important.

Now hold on one sec! does this mean that you are going to drop every thing that you know and have grown up knowing, stop going to church and be all like " oh love is all you need and as long as you have love and believe in some higer power then your golden?"

NO.

I think that as a passionate Lover of jesus i am obviously called to Love all people, but not to agree with them. in the words of brian mclaren in " a generous orthodoxy" : of course as a follower of Jesus, you will learn to love and draw near to everyone, whateve religion or lack there of, including christians. in so doing , you will exemplify what a Christian should be.

One more passage from brian ( it's my favorite book) : Jesus didn't want to create an "in -group" he wanted to create a " come-on-in group", one that sought and welcomed everyone.such a group camenot to conquer, not to badger, not to canqishnot to eradicate other groups, but to save them, redeem them, bless them, respect them, love them, befriend them, and embrace them.

or , put it another way, Jesus threathen people with inclusion; if they were to be excluded it would be because they refused to accept their acceptance. If people rejectedhis acceptance, he did not retaliate against them, but summitted himself to humiliation, mistreatment, even crucifixtion by them. it is like this: it is when we are weak that we are strong. so, the word taht perhaps best characterizes that christian church is vulnerablity...the people who are to be won and saved should, as it were, alwats have the possiblity of crucifying the witness of the gospel"]
you might object: but Jesus said he didn't come to bring peace but a sword. He spoke of families being divided because of him and his message. imagine these senarios: imagine you're the white son of white, racist parents. one day you come home and say " as a follower of Christ, i think we should love Africian Americans and Hispanics." As a peacemaker in the way of Christ, you will creat division.
As Chesterton Writes: "any man who preaches REAL LOVE is bound to beget hate...realy love has always ended in bloodshed"

...
( there is a bunch in between but this is still Brian)

I am saying that because we followJesus, because we belive Jesus is true, and becaue Jesus moves toward all people in love abd kindness and grace, WE MUST DO THE SAME"

Ok back to me now. Honestly I wish that All of you could read this book and particuarly the chapter " why am i incarnational"

So well i guess all of this has been a Long explaination of what mulling around this nogan of mine.And it also will and explaination as to why once again i'm changing the facebook "religious views" to "Lover of God, The world, and YOU".
pS I'm not that clever..other people all ready have that as there "title" . Who know's someday i might Leave it blank. Let them know we are "Christians" by our LOVE".

SIGH. that was a long post. and there is certainly more where taht came from.

2008-02-14T08:51:00.003-06:00

This post is for sheila, hahah

The reasons why Valintines day sucks.

it's expensive.
you always end up eating one of those cinimmon hearts which are gross.
everything is friggen pink.
i gave up chocolate for lent so i don't get anythings.
The carnations at school always look a little dead.

ok i honestly don't really hate the day that much...i just hate the commercial aspects of it.

2008-02-12T07:25:00.000-06:00

AHHH. what do i do. i hate decisions. so i had a delema, first i hate Distance ed, so i think of switching courses. no courses available. so then i think of dropping the class compleatly..but then i can't get scholarships and with my logic that means that i will end up in debt and be to depressed to work it off so i will end up in more debt ect ect...so then my art teacher says that i can take and extra art course. so i go to guidance and he laughs at me. you see that would be my 6th art course. he says it isn't possible since i have credits for all the art courses offerd..don't know how i managed that one though. so then i'm back to square one..but more hurt cause teachers arn't supposed to laugh at you and imply that your an idiot and that all you can do is art. all he said was" well switch couses within distance ed" so that would meen that i would have to restart another course using a system that i hate. i like econmoics and i'm actually fairly good at it, but it's alot of work and only having an hour in class to work on it cause i don't have all the programs i need at home is not enough. so then i could take something like digital tech, which the guidance teacher says i should do because it's more like art. art is not the only thing i can do. damn it. so then i get thinking mayeb that would actaully work. but it turns out that i have even less of the programs needed to do that course at home. so then maybe i stay in economics..but i really don't have time. so then maybe i can do some other one like health and nutrition...that should be really easy. but then i can't look at the summary of the course so who knows i could have to do a crazy amount of projects.

please comment if you have ANY suggestions for me.

-erin

2008-02-05T21:04:00.000-06:00

ok this is going to sound really sad but the show "house" has really got me thinking. Do people change? Can we? when we see people who have appeared to change is it just an allusion? or a lie?
Latly i've been noticing changes in some of my closest frineds, and honestly it scares me.

2008-02-04T07:05:00.001-06:00

I really wish that i could start this stupid distance ed course that i'm taking, i'm wasting an entire class everyday so far..i could be doing other things.

2008-02-03T18:02:00.001-06:00

Today i was feeling nostalgic so i went back and read old blog entrys i found this.
Why do the babies starve
When there's enough food to feed the world
Why when there're so many of us
Are there people still alone
Why are the missiles called peace keepers
When they're aimed to kill
Why is a woman still not safe
When she's in her home
Love is hate
War is peace
No is yes
And we're all free
But somebody's gonna have to answer
The time is coming soon
Admidst all these questions and contradictions
There're some who seek the truth
But somebody's gonna have to answer
The time is coming soon
When the blind remove their blinders
And the speechless speak the truth
-tracy chapman

The world is going to shit.

2008-02-02T20:37:00.000-06:00

I hate this feeling, the feeling of hopelessness and not being about to anything about it. I see stuff going on alround be and the little i can do i don't see make a difference. Frig.

2008-02-01T07:05:00.000-06:00

So The unrest in Kenya right now is affecting me much more that i would have ever thought.

Some back ground:

The Leader of the country is from the Kikuyu tribe, and in the election a member of another tribe was elected but the vote was said to be corrupt. So vnow the two tribes are fighting, severaly kikuyu chuches have benn burnt down with everyone inside. This is extreamly hard to hear for anyone but i also have a personal attachment...
My dad's best friend through colledge and my God father Moses Njoroge is a preist and professer in kenya. He is a member of the kikuyu tribe. I presume that you can see where i'm going. Another thing is that all last week my dad has been sending him e-mails...none of them returned. The other day we tried calling( it's hard to work out the greatest times) but his phone had been disconnected.

This has affected me way more that i would have thought, you see i don't really "know" him. He's my God father whom i have heard storys about and seen pictures and sends us an e-mail once and a while but the last time he saw me i was small enough to hold.

For years i've somehow felt a supernatural maybe attachment to kenya, maybe because of moses or maybe a calling from God. A few years ago i made it my plan to save my money and fly to Kenya as a mission trip and as a way of getting to know moses.

Well friends i'm now on a desprate search. I've been trying to understand more about the situation and also where specifically those fires and out breaks were. The problem is that i can't figure out excatly where he was located. All i know is that he is at a school and a church that we thought was St annes. But i'm starting to think that the info is wrong as the only time i've found his name is in connection to ST pauls. i'm currently reading his thesis..i think partly because i have always wanted to and it's some sort of connection and i'm looking for reference to where he grew up as it is about the kikuyu culture.

My one request is that you pray for him, Moses, and for his family. His wife mary and thier kids Faith,sharrack, ruth and Elijah. And also pray for the country as a whole.

Later.

2008-01-31T07:42:00.000-06:00

Erin is going to have a schedualed outrage at 1:13 pm.

I hate it i hate it i hate it! art makes me sick to my stomach and gives me alcers. There are days that i would rather take math. ( i can't believe i just said that).

I wanted to burst into tears yesterday in class from the stress.

I just lost basically 500$ with exams because my avrage dropped so much. I havn't had such a low english mark in years. Now i won't be able to get the same entrace scholarship into STU. Damn it.

My fear is that i will end up in debt and then be too stressed to continue school and then have to quit but then all the money will have been wasted.\

Frustration.

Mixed feelings

There are moments that i can't wait to get out of this place ( most of the time actaully) but then there are those times that i really just want to curl up in a ball in the corner of maket square and never leave. Things that for years i've taken for grantit are now becoming apperent to me.

A little example: Milk. i so didn't realise how flippen expensive it is. It's my favorite but i think that i will have to give it up. Because not only will i be broke but i also can't seem to understand why MILK is so expensive, for goodness sake it comes from cows. Maybe if they didn't give all those cows chemicals and hormones the milk would be cheaper ( actaually i understand taht it actaully would be more expensive..) But Still . argg

There are things and people that i will miss terrribly, and some of them i feel slipping away already. i hate it. i feel as if people are preparing for seperation and are there for taking less of an intrest in eachother.

Well that's all for now kids.

-Erin

2008-01-31T07:40:00.000-06:00

Dearest blog, I have neglected you as i have been focused on the new blog.
But you must remember that you serve a purpose you my blog are ment for rambles and emotional posts and things that arn't just day to day.

Happy new year!

2008-01-05T20:58:00.000-06:00

i havn't blogged in ages, it seems that because facebook is so great a keeping in touch with people that i havnt' had anything to write.

Not much has changed really. it's the same old same old. i'm applying fro university tommorow and that excites me and scares me at the same time.

i started a new blog http://photo-a-day-hodge.blogspot.com/ that will act as a photo jornal, check it out if ya have the chance.

-erin

2007-10-08T17:53:00.000-05:00

2007-10-04T15:16:00.000-05:00

Soo it's the week for getting reconnected it seems. Back in touch with anna and amanda fricker after far to long. time seem like it has escaped me and flown away.

It's starting to sink in that in a year i won't be in public school and more.It's all i know..i've been in school for hmm. 4-17 .. 14 years. uhh. yeah.

So i'm horrible excited and scared for university in the fall..

i'm alright with change but the other day it hit me that i'm going to be leaving a few really good friends at least for a year.
(john boy you better go to stu :P or genna and i will kidnapp you)
anyway as much as i want to go to freddy i don't want to leave my friends behind.

well thats all for now..

-erin

2007-09-09T12:51:00.001-05:00

The one with all the gymnastics.

2007-09-03T20:28:00.000-05:00

so cirque du soleil was amazing! genna and i and her cousin hannah went and it was edge of the seat kind of stuff!

on the way back everytime i saw a) tree b)pole c) wide open space
i would attempt gymnastics..resulting in some great photos haha.all which will be posted when genna sends them my way.

-erin

The one with all the rain.

2007-09-03T19:58:00.000-05:00

So my first week begin home from camp...

after some shopping, and hanging out with alisha hanson at the X..then getting sick at the giant tiger , i made it all the way there..can't say the same for alisha :( Genna gives me a ring.

ring ring.

so we plan lunch.
which made me feel very old.
so after some wandering and genna learning how to get a parking ticket from the machine..and going to the gym, forgeting my wallet then buying cirque du soliel tickets.
we go to lunch.

so a bagette, samosa and some taco pica later...we go buy FISH!

yeh! FISH!

we name 3 of them.... Genna, John and princeton..( i bought another one and named it erin)

the un-named one must of felt left out..so it died on the way home. only to be replaced with 2 new fish.

so then we head back to genna's...

eat supper at her aunts, then chucked some camping supplies in to the breeze ( only the necessities of course :P ) and zoom of to the camp ground to get our free ice capps ( genna works there) and set up the tent head off in to the wilderness to re trace the steps i took last spring.. ( see blog post..granola bars float) we discover that it's changed a fair amount. then we hear genna's dog going crazy and some very high pitch yelps and cries..it was a racoon.. and it was putting up quite a fight...but buddy won. but of course it had to be just barely alive..so that i would feel compelled to put the poor thing out of it's misery..so genna and i kill a racoon. :(

then we back to the camp site to enjoy a very patetic camp fire.. note to self: wet wood and gum packages suck for big fires. we play on the play ground..and i of course have to attempted to jump of the swing..land on 2 feet, take a step and land on my face.hehe.
so after playing a game oof have you ever..and discovering that it dosn't work because we know each other to well, i nearley kill my teeth and genna by attempting to open something with a) my bare hands b) the camp fire pit ( still burning ) and c) my teeth.
about an hour later...

genna's fast asleep..i'm lying on my back in the tent..( with no cover on the top so that we can see the stars ) and i get to thinking..is sure seems cold and cloudy, and windy..and then i hear it..thunder. then comes the incredible lighting. then of course the RAIN!
after a min or so of disbelief i start tell ing genna..who is deeeeeppp in sleep.
i shake her..gennna machum argg. RAIN!

we gather some of our belongings and run to the car..it's puring buckets....my car door won't close so genna fixed it ( god love her) in the rain.
the storm was huge..but we couldn't of drove home for more than one reason. so we spent a very we night in the car..thinking about all the stuff that was in the tent getting wrecked...which turned out to be a mp3 player and a book my pants and my shirt. oh joy.

morning comes and we pack up our stuff and go home..the end..well i went to the dentist to get a filling. but that sucked.

-erin

The one with all the kids.

2007-09-03T19:56:00.000-05:00

This summer i played outside, there were lots of kids, it was hot.i had fun, it made me tired.next year i am going to do the same thing.

the end.

Back to the grind

2007-09-03T19:54:00.001-05:00

oh dearest blog...i have ignored you. but since the readers..uhh ok more like reader * cough* genna, have requested many times, i will update. serveral times today infact.

so here goes.

Staff week & girls and boys camp #1

2007-07-07T16:24:00.000-05:00

So i'm back home from my second week at camp medley this year...the first week was staff training and included lots of team building things to help the staff to get to know each other and work together as a team.Also there was a lot of talks to do with various things that will help us along the summer. overall it was a great week, challanging and streaching, but good. i cam hom on friday from staff week tired but excited for the weeks to come.

this last week was girls and boys camp. so there are ages 7-11 or 12. so it can be an interessting mix of maturity. campers that a very young for there age and campers that are more mature than the majority. i was in dinning hall which was an absolute blast! well all except that one insedent....

we finnaly got the industrail dish washer working and i went to open the soap and it splashed up into my eyes..so i go to rinse my eyes out..but they burn like you have no idea..so someone goes to read the lable of the soap..turns out that i got sodium hydroxide in my eyes...which is those of you that don't know is the strongest corrosive...and it was also chlorinated..so after a few more mins of flushing out my eyes and franticly searching you my medicare card..i become the first emergence trip to the hospital of the year.if you want to know more about the funny expericne of my trip to the hospital than give me a ring. any way..because i flushed my eyes out so well it didn't have a chance to burn or corrode my eyes and therefor my vision is not affected..right now i'm just very sensitive to light and have a constant burning feeling in and around my left eye ( the right got less in it) and i have little blisters on my face and chemical burns. haha. it's kinda funny to me now after i'm getting over the shock.

uhh..there will be more later..but i got to got do laundry.

2007-06-22T16:59:00.000-05:00

School is officaly finnished...and only 9 weeks till grade 12....and about 365 days till i graduate...not that i'm getting in patient..haha. i can't wait.

i passed math...but i'm stuck with a teacher that i strongly dislike for math next year...the same teacher that i failed miseralbly with last semester.oh well. life's like that.
i have mrs luts twice in a day...and i might have a breakdown..haha.

later.

Freedom!!!!!!!!!!

2007-06-14T12:58:00.000-05:00

last exam just got over so now i'm sittin gin the school library waiting till 3:20 so i can bug miss underwood for my art stuff back.
Law was crazy easy...

re-do...it had been a year and i am bored

2007-06-14T08:33:00.000-05:00

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE? So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie

Opening Credits: euro trash -slowcoaster
Waking up: for you - tracy chapman

First Day at Highschool: god of wonders -third day

Falling In Love: babaous- regina spector

Fight Song: the parting glass -the wailing jennies
Breaking Up: weightless- see spot run

Prom: remember -happy medium

Life: brain damage -keller williams

Mental Breakdown: scotch and choclate -nickle creek (fitting i think)

Driving: fast as you can - fiona apple ( also fitting)

Flashback: flood - jars of clay

Getting Back Together:gone -switchfoot

Wedding: ne me quitter pas -regina spector ( fitting)
Birth of Child: glavanting -keller williams
Final Battle: get gone -fiona apple
Death Scene: consequence of sounds -regina spector

Funeral Song: forever -ben harper
End Credits: punck rock princess -something corp

on the bright side.

2007-06-14T08:20:00.000-05:00

i have my last exam in a few hours...and then i am free!!!!!!!!!!!!
if any one still reads this i will be posting after camp every wekk as i wont be making that many phone calls.

i am out.

erin

i am an idiot

2007-06-14T08:09:00.000-05:00

yeah the title basically sums up everything i want to say. i am a fuckin idiot..and thanks to it i have lost a good friend.

so mad at myself.

2007-06-13T11:41:00.000-05:00

so i can see the light at the end of the tunnel now. i only have my law exam left and that's a joke really. we can use cheat sheets and we havn't really done anything all semester anyway.so now that exam stress is over the stress from other aspects of my life are flooding back. but thank god i'm leaving for camp in a tillte more than a week.i\m nervous and excited at the same time. i have no idea what staff week is like and i don't evn know if i'm packing for the summer or just for the week yet.silly things like that. i'm also starting to think about september...what things do i have time to do or not do?will my courses work out as planned? have i taken to many tough cources? where am i going to work?
as for working..places i'm thinking of applying at:
boys and girls club
seramic
the museam
the saint john art center
blockbuster
java mousse
and good old t-hos! ( tim hortans)
will any of those work out.. i dunno but right now i'm at the place where i don't really care. i just want to back a lunch and a change of clothes and take off. where? i dunno. but italy is looking good. as is france.but maybe i'll get my lisence and start out with some roadtrips, a dart and a big map.any one up for an adventure.who knows where i'll go. maybe sussex..maybe korea..although i might have to fly :P

well thats all for now kids.

-erin hodge

oh exams are looming.

2007-05-29T19:01:00.000-05:00

with exams looming and the realization that my future relys on a few simple marks i am hitting the books.And hitting them hard for the first time ever. i have never really put much time into studying for exams before...but this time i'm gonna try.

my courses go like this.

ib art..the exam is just us sitting in a circle discussing our artwork.no biggy.well i have a carp load of projects to do for it but meh.
political science. gonna die.exam is gonna kill me in my sleep.
math. is it possible to die twice....? bahaha
law. bahahaha. uhh. i think i can handel it.
English.commentary is what i am worried about.

but next year is looking up.

Ib art :)
ib art:)
english 122a( totally messed up):(
english121b:)
functions and relations :(
ap history 121 :)
canadian history 120 :)
candaian litariture :)
sociology :)
theory of knowledge!!!! :)

so it will be a full course load but over all enjoyable and a great learning exprience.

......but. if i can somehow get 8ooo$ i am going to costa rica or france or germany or australia or switzerland!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!for the whole year!!!!!!1
kinda unlikely...but i'm gonna try.

-erin-grace

recent news.

2007-04-14T19:00:00.000-05:00

-- i will be in the near future be the ...uh... there is no word haha.well i'll have another second cousin.
--i am now able to say i can fold my tounge in two.very important.
--have been greatly enjoying IB art
--have learned to say quadulateral...still working on how to spell it.
--have eaten sushi
--have spit out sushi
--have died my hair...but it had almost no effect.
--have hid in a closet for an hour
--then have come out of the closet..haha. not that way silly.
--have developed a nasty cold
--and got over it.
--have worn a hard hat.
--went to a fake job interview
--poked myself in the eye at least 6 times
--kicked several rocks up the road.
--have watched little miss sunshine sveral times
--have watched 10 seasons of friends
--have walked a mile in someone elses shoes.
--have devloped a love-hate realtionship with charles Dickens
--have become addicted to facebook
--have covered most of my favorite clothes in paint.
--have gone through alot of stain removing stain.
--have broken down and bought new jeans.
--and got paint on them
and these aree just the highlights of my oh so interessting life. Just joking..there had been more excitment. but nows not the time.

2007-04-14T18:57:00.000-05:00

dearest blog, i have unitentially neglected you. but i place blame of facebook.in the future i will pay much more attention to you.

i am humbly sorry and do most earnestly repent. haha.

30 hour famine!

2007-03-16T18:10:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone.

Once again i'm participating in the world vision 30 hour famine and would love your support and donations for this great cause. i'm sure many of you know about famine, aids and poverty but here are some facts.

Number of people who die each year of water-related diseases: 5 million

Percentage of children living in poverty in the world: almost 50%

Estimated number of deaths worldwide each day linked to extreme poverty: 30,000-50,000
Number of people living with HIV in the world: 40.3 million (more than the population of Canada)
Percentage of all people living with HIV who are in sub-Saharan Africa: almost 64%

Approximate number of people who die each day of AIDS: 8,400 (approximately 3.1 million in 2005)
Number of children under 15 infected with HIV every day: 1,800
Number of seconds that pass between each new HIV infection worldwide every day: 6 .

by following this link you can donate money through me http://www2.worldvision.ca/famine/13060062

thanks
-erin

2007-03-12T17:13:00.001-05:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

sigh...

2007-03-12T16:41:00.000-05:00

Somedays i really wish that i could run away..far away.Somewhere undiscovered i wish i could live on the side of a mountain somewhere on a beautiful island.With nothing but the sound of the wind and crashing waves.nothing to worry about.no war.no poverty. no children dying.no drugs. no global warming.no aids.no terriorism.no pain.no fighting.no fear.no corrupt governments.no broken hearts.no stress.no ulcers. that place would be beautiful.children would be happy.familys will join together in peace.

sigh.

2007-03-12T16:35:00.001-05:00

Dear person with all the answers,

Please tell me what the hell I'm doing.

sincerely,

Erin Hodge

P.S: Do hurry.

2007-03-05T21:36:00.000-06:00

Thank God for the warranty! i no longer an "Indentured Servant"!!! well i still have to work 2 hours because of the work i've caused my father.

so here's a tip. DO NOT DROP PORTABLE HARDDRIVES!!!

unfortunatly i lost alot of my files in the ordeal...

2007-03-05T08:49:00.000-06:00

So my father is letting me work off the debt...12 hours at 10$ an hour

toast

2007-03-04T19:22:00.000-06:00

i'm officially toast.
i feel like crap.
i just broke a 150$ hard drive.
It had all of my familys files on it.
including my dads work stuff i think.
i now have to come up with 150$ to pay for it.
But i don't have a job.
i feel like curling up in a ball and crying...
oh yeah i already did.

-The end

2007-02-24T19:27:00.000-06:00

coming attraction: barenaked ladies concert photos and video clips

2007-02-24T19:16:00.000-06:00

important tip of the day:
check your pockets befor you put your clothes in the wash. i just washed my USB stick. Sending me into quite a panic..thank god it still works.

Just Another weekend in Erin's life....

2007-02-18T13:14:00.000-06:00

this weekend i traveled up to fredericton with my amigo john hoben. we stayed at genna's house and it was interesstiong time to say the least.

we took the bus friday night.. we saw practically our entire church in the welsford irving and they all wanted details of what we were doing.. and most of them got the wrong idea.so we then almost jumped on a bus for toronto...well i was broke so no we didn't but we wanted. then we had to take a cab to genna's cause john brought enough stuff to last a life time.we thought he was moving in or something.

friday night we chilled and babysat genna's cousins and watched way to much family guy (Johns note: There is no such thing as too much family guy!!), corner gas and bones.

The next morning we got up at 6:45 then headed to the market..i got a new bag and we chased a girl around to find out where she got her coat...turned out that she got it in NYC. john and i had new york style cupcakes for breakfast..then we had samosas that were horrible...john had a donair and i conviced him it was an animal from mexico with their vital organs in their legs. after the market we walked to paul and beth's where john and genna went off and paul beth and i went to the TEC meetings.

then we came back and paul and i played video games for an hour until genna and john got there and genna reminded me that we were suppose to go meet amanda at andrew's 1/2 hour earlier...so we ran o

John: Anyways me and Genna walked to the mall stopping at blockbuster to get the movie "Little miss sunshine". We went to the bulk barn and we got a crapload of candy. We went to the pet store and Genna got yelled at for trying to take a picture of the dogs they had. Anyways, there were some mice that I swear were on steroids. Two or three of them would climb onto one wheel and the smaller ones would just stand there while the bigger one would run. The smaller one would do flips and everything and it was just awsome. Then we saw some clownfish. We left and Genna had to go to the washroom so we ran into McDonalds and I got a double cheese burger. Anyways so we catch the bus and and take it to Kins Place to transfer. Anyways, we get on bus #11 N because Genna says "Ok this is Bus 11, bus 11 always takes me home." anyways, we end up in nearly deserted part of town and just wait there. Anyways, the bus takes us back to Kings place then turns into the 11 S and takes us back to gennas house. We watched a couple episodes of Corner Gas. Then we walked to Paul&Beths and met Erin and they were playing video games.

erin..again:

so i was kicking pauls butt at video games...just joking i can't play vidoe games if you payed me.

so i'm gonna hurry this post up cause i relized that no one in their right mind wants to read all the details.

so we run to my brothers give him his b-day gift and meet amanda. then we run back to paul and beths and chill for a bit. then run off to eat supper..even though it's like 8:00 pm.

then we bum a ride of paul and head to genna's amanda in tow. we watched little miss sunshine (which was amazing..go rent it) and ate way to much candy.

eventually morning time came...i had to wake john up about 8 times..firts words out of his mouth "get off i'm awake" second set of words " where's the candy" .
we woke up enough to walk across town to go to church.

after chuch we got a ride back to gennas and hung out for a bit then ran to the store..that was an adventure in it's self..videos were taken but due to some bad habits i can't allow them to be put on the internet.haha

so then we went home the end.

there was so much more ..but i'm to lazy to type.ask us about it some time.

ps.. alyson shave says hello.

ohh and so does marrissa.

The update...

2007-02-05T15:47:00.000-06:00

Exams are over and done with..until june.

i have to take math again...

my world issues mark was 51% higher than my math mark.

my old classes:
english
enviromental science
world issues
modern history
functions and relations (math)

my new classes:

IB art
Political Sci
Geometry and applications (math)
English
law

so i think my plan for next year is to take:

english 121 AP
math 112 funtions and relations
modern history 121 AP
IB art
Theory of Knowledge 120
french 112
economics 120
journalism 120
co-op
co-op
--alternates--
canadian lit 120
sociology 120

then after grade 12 i'll head off to fredericton to go to saint thomaas to take the justice and globilization course which is a combo of economics, sociology, and religious studies.

then after four years i'll come out with my BA..take a year or 2 off and work/travel
maybe move to NYC for a bit.

then i'm gonna go back to school for my masters of divinity at wycliff in toronto.

so it's not like i have alot of plans or expectations...haha.

2007-01-24T15:00:00.000-06:00

i've decided that when i grow up i'm going to be a flag.

one more exam to go.

-erin

2007-01-23T14:24:00.000-06:00

2 Exams down 2 to go.
i can now say i comleated an exam by making pretty patterns with the multiple choice questions..oh dear.

2007-01-15T19:57:00.000-06:00

x] Gum has fallen out of your mouth when you were talking.
[x] Gum has fallen out of your mouth when you were NOT talking.
[ x] You have ran into a glass/screen door.
[x ]You have jumped out of a moving vehicle
[x] You have thought of something funny and laughed, then
people gave you weird looks
=5

[x] You have ran into a tree/bush.
[x ] You have tried to lick your cheek.
[x] You have tried to lick your elbow.
[x] You never knew that the Alphabet and Twinkle Twinkle Little
Star have the same rhythm.
[x]you just tried to sing them
i can't believe i just did
=5
[x] You have tripped on your shoelace and fallen.
[x] you have choked on your own spit .
[ ]You have seen the Matrix and still don't get it.
[x] You've never seen the Matrix the whole way through.
[ ] You type only with two fingers.
=3
[x ]You have accidentally caught something on fire
[ ] You tried to drink out of a straw, but it went into your nose/eyes.
[x] You have caught yourself drooling.
[x ] You have fallen asleep in class
[ ] If someone says "fart" you laugh.
=3

[ ] Sometimes you just stop thinking
[x] You are telling a story and forget what you were talking about
[x ] People often shake their heads when they talk to you.
[x ] You are often told to use your "inside voice".
[x ] You use your fingers to do simple math.
=4
[ ] You have eaten a bug
[x] You are taking this test when you should be doing something
more important
[ x] You have put your clothes on backwards or inside out, and
didn't realize it(NY!)
[x] You've looked all over for something and realized it was in
your hand.(or on your head.)
[ ] You have ran around naked in your house.
=3

[ ] You repost bulletins because you are scared that what they
say will happen to you if you don't.
[x ] You break a lot of things
[ ] Your friends know not to use big words around you.
[x ] You tilt your head when you're confused
[x ] You have fallen out of your chair before
=3

[x] When you're laying in bed, you try to find pictures in the texture of the ceiling...
[x] The word "um" is used many times a day.
=2

=28 out of 38..pretty sad

2007-01-09T21:05:00.000-06:00

here's a parody i wrote for English class. Mind the language...i was trying to imitate J.D Salinger's writing style.I'ts also kinda long.

Rumpelstiltskin

If you really want to hear about it then the first thing you’ll want to know is my name and how I got into this goddamn situation in the first place. Well about the name you can just forget about that, I’ve had enough problems with names as you’ll soon find out. Well that is if you even bother to read this depressing thing. So how I got myself into this mess. You can blame that on my phoney father he made one goddamn slip of the tongue that sure cost me a lot of trouble. See my father’s a miller so life is pretty lousy to begin with. So anyway he had to go talk to this king, who the hell know’s why, and he tried to make himself look all important and crap and told the king that he had a daughter that could spin straw into gold, that’s me. Then the king got all excited. I sure hate it when someone gets all excited over something so foolish as that. He told my father to bring me to the king to spin gold for him.
So this king locked me in a room and told me if I hadn’t spun this pile of straw into gold by the morning that he would kill me. Talk about depressing, I can’t hardly stand to think about it. Well I did what any other person would do – I cried. Anyways that’s not important, back to the story this stupid little man appeared out of nowhere and asked me what was wrong. He was such a phoney... he didn’t care what was wrong. I hate it when people pretend like they care and all but really don’t give a damn. So I told him what I needed to do. So then, of all things, he started to bargain with me. I was so depressed. He said that he could spin the gold if I gave him something. So I tossed him my necklace - I hated that necklace anyway. It was a stupid gift from my phoney aunt Ruth, it made my neck itch.
Any way to this little man did what he said and when the king came in the morning and saw the gold he got so greedy that he wanted more! So The same thing happened the next night - except I had to give the stupid man my ring instead, I did like that thing. That ring was my mother’s before she died, anyway that made me so depressed. So when the king came in the morning he still wanted more gold... He told me that if I spun the gold for him than I could be his wife. His goddamn wife! What a phoney, he went from threatening to kill me to wanting to marry me in a day. Well since my father is a poor miller I had to jump at the chance to marry someone rich. So that night he locked me in a room again. It was pretty stupid of him to lock up his wife to be in a room as a slave... but what could I do about it? So I was sure hoping that the stupid little man would come back.. but the problem was that I didn’t have anything else to give him. So when he came back he told me that I would have to give him my first born child... that was more depressing than anything. But I didn’t have any other choice so I promised him my first child.
So a lousily year later I had my first child and had completely forgotten about that phoney man that spun the gold for me. Then He randomly appeared in my room and insisted that I give him my child. He was so friggin impatient about it too, I hate that. Any way there was no way in hell that I could just hand over my baby. So he gave me a deal – that if I could guess his name in three lousy days that I could keep my child. All night I guessed names and every time he would say “it’s not my name.”
The next day I had a stupid little messenger sent out to get as many names as he could. Not a single name was the one! I hate that people can’t do a simple job like finding a name right, like how stupid can you be. Any way I sent the messenger out the third day and when he came back he told me that he couldn’t find a single new flipping name. But he told me that he did overhear something that might help me out. He had found this funny old man dancing around a fire saying :
'To-day I bake, to-morrow brew,
the next I'll have the young queen's child.
Ha, glad am I that no one knew
that Rumpelstiltskin I am styled.'
So I figured that it must be the same stupid little man. Who the hell is named Rumpelstiltskin? So when he came back that night I guessed a few stupid names to make him think that I couldn’t guess and then I guessed Rumpelstiltskin .Well he got so frigging angry that he stuck his right foot in the ground and that got him even more angry so he pulled on his left leg as hard as he could, I don’t know what kind of idiot would do that, well he pulled it so hard that he tore himself in two. How depressing is that.
The End.
By Erin Hodge

A parody based on Rumpelstiltskin by Brothers Grimm using the form of Catcher in the Rye

2007-01-09T14:39:00.000-06:00

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE? So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie

Opening Credits: black cold blues-laura veirs

Waking up: i will remeber you- sarah mclachlan

First Day at Highschool - gone- switchfoot

Falling In Love: shopping- barenaked ladies

Fight Song: to little to late -- barenaked ladies

Breaking Up: almost--sarah harmer

Prom: wild world--cat stevens

Life: fraggle rock--relient k

Mental Breakdown: morning has broken- cat stevens

Driving: one chance -modest mouse

Flashback: open arms- tracy chapman

Getting Back Together: the prodical's song--paul oakley

Wedding: testing 1,2,3--barenaked ladies ( haha)

Birth of Child: holding out for a hero- jennifer saunders

Final Battle: after the rain- aaron and jeffery

Death Scene: silver road--sarah harmer

Funeral Song: ode to divorce--regina specktor ( at least i didn't get it for the wedding one)

End Credits: still- happy medium

side note.This would make a very horrible movie.

2007-01-08T17:01:00.000-06:00

i Just found out that one of my good friends from Ont Has died recently. We lost touch several years ago but it still seems odd. 16 year olds shouldn't be dying of cancer.

William and i used to spend hours singing backstreet boys on his kareeokee machine.And Climbing his roof and sliding off.

i can't seem to understand why this happens.

2007-01-03T13:20:00.001-06:00

Yes i've been sucked into the facebook fad.
here's the link.

Facebook me!

2007-01-02T14:59:00.001-06:00

Take My Quiz on
QuizYourFriends.com

Happy new year folks!

2007-01-02T09:49:00.000-06:00

This was most definalty my favorite new years so far.
John and i went skating..well i skated and john pulled himself along the boards :)
Then we enjoyed a surprisingly well done show of fireworks.
so i hope you all have a wonderful new year.

Free Hugs

2006-12-24T09:44:00.001-06:00

This is definaltly one of my favs.
i want to marry this guy.

Treadmill dance

2006-12-23T18:39:00.001-06:00

Any one got a treadmill?

2006-12-21T18:16:00.000-06:00

40 questions!

1. Are you wearing a necklace?
yep..jen fry just gave it to me.

2. What is the last thing you got in the mail?
University application form

3. Crush?
i don't like the word crush...

4. What color is your shirt?
black
5. How many bedrooms do you have in your house?
4

6. What song are you listening to?
apres moi my regina spector

7. What was the last mall you've been to?
lancaster.

8. Are you alone?
indeed

9. Do you have any older siblings?
yeah X2

10. What was the last thing you ate?
pizza

11. Who was the last person to come over to your house?
No clue

12. Who was the last person to call you?
John

13. Who was the last person who texted you?
don't have a cell phone

14. What should you be doing?
writing an essay thats worht 30% of my final grade and i havn;t started.
15. Who is the last person you IMed?
Matt

16. Did you go out to eat yesterday?
nope

17. What are you thinking right now?
thinking about sitting in social studies class in grade 6 on sept. 11th when we found out that the twin towers had been hit.

18. What color are your pants?
PJ's! gray with little snow men

19. What color is your keyboard?
off white

20. What do you feel like eating/drinking?
redbull

21. Are you in college?
not yet

22. What is the last phrase you wrote?
good good.
23. Are you bored?
nope..don't get bored easily..to much to think about

24. How many teeth do you have?
all of them minus 3 and 1/2 wisdom teeth.
25. Do you wear glasses?
yep since grade 7.although most don't remember that i wear glasses

26. What color are your shoes?
bluish

27. Last thing you drank?flat 7-up

28. Last kiss?
saving that.

29. What are you doing right now?
procrastinating

30. What are the last words you said?
is E.R on?

31. Do you have clothes on?
yes

32. Best part about today?
varity show at school

33. If you could be anywhere right now where would it be and who with?
on the top of a mountain somewhere on a undiscovered island, enjoying solitude

34. Do you like llamas?
yeah..beacause they give us fleace

35. Do you have a cut on your pointer finger?no but i have 2 scars and a hangnail

36. Where is your cell phone?
non existant

37. Do you have any friends named Robbie?
nope.

38. Do you have any friends named Nikki?
yepp

39. Do you have any friends named Mary?
nope
40. What were you doing last night?
i hung out with a girl who speaks very little english.Then watched the world trade centers. then stayed up thinking about it the entire night litterly.

Birches

2006-12-17T19:08:00.000-06:00

Birches
Robert Frost
When I see birches bend to left and right
Across the lines of straighter darker trees,
I like to think some boy’s been swinging them.
But swinging doesn’t bend them down to stay.
Ice-storms do that. Often you must have seen them
Loaded with ice a sunny winter morning
After a rain. They click upon themselves
As the breeze rises, and turn many-coloured
As the stir cracks and crazes their enamel.
Soon the sun’s warmth makes them shed crystal shells
Shattering and avalanching on the snow-crust
Such heaps of broken glass to sweep away
You’d think the inner dome of heaven had fallen.
They are dragged to the withered bracken by the load,
And they seem not to break; though once they are bowed
So low for long, they never right themselves:
You may see their trunks arching in the woods
Years afterwards, trailing their leaves on the ground,
Like girls on hands and knees that throw their hair
Before them over their heads to dry in the sun.
But I was going to say when Truth broke in
With all her matter-of-fact about the ice-storm,
I should prefer to have some boy bend them
As he went out and in to fetch the cows—
Some boy too far from town to learn baseball,
Whose only play was what he found himself,
Summer or winter, and could play alone.
One by one he subdued his father’s trees
By riding them down over and over again
Until he took the stiffness out of them,
And not one but hung limp, not one was left
For him to conquer. He learned all there was
To learn about not launching out too soon
And so not carrying the tree away
Clear to the ground. He always kept his poise
To the top branches, climbing carefully
With the same pains you use to fill a cup
Up to the brim, and even above the brim.
Then he flung outward, feet first, with a swish,
Kicking his way down through the air to the ground.
So was I once myself a swinger of birches.
And so I dream of going back to be.
It’s when I’m weary of considerations,
And life is too much like a pathless wood
Where your face burns and tickles with the cobwebs
Broken across it, and one eye is weeping
From a twig’s having lashed across it open.
I’d like to get away from earth awhile
And then come back to it and begin over.
May no fate willfully misunderstand me
And half grant what I wish and snatch me away
Not to return. Earth’s the right place for love:
I don’t know where it’s likely to go better.
I’d like to go by climbing a birch tree
And climb black branches up a snow-white trunk
Toward heaven, till the tree could bear no more,
But dipped its top and set me down again.
That would be good both going and coming back.
One could do worse than be a swinger of birches

2006-12-15T15:42:00.000-06:00

I'm starting to think that our entire generation has been brain washed into thinking that if we don't go to university or finnish high school that we can do nothing with our lives.that people who don't continue with school have no hope for a happy life.it breaks my heart that this is what we are taught.sure university can be great.sure you might get a better job, sure you may make more money..but happiness?.happiness has nothing to do with the level of education you recieved.Saying this dosn't meen that i'm not going on to university or even encourage others not to either.i'm just thinking that god has a plan for everyones life.no matter what grade you finnished.education is a wonderful privilage..but you don't need a degree to say that you have been educated.i would love to simply talk to people..travel the world..And get an eduaction from first hand expirences..not from a text book.

-erin

2006-12-10T19:02:00.000-06:00

Starting to think..maybe school just ain't for me.

2006-12-04T15:45:00.000-06:00

12"But before all this, they will lay hands on you and persecute you. They will deliver you to synagogues and prisons, and you will be brought before kings and governors, and all on account of my name. 13This will result in your being witnesses to them. 14But make up your mind not to worry beforehand how you will defend yourselves. 15For I will give you words and wisdom that none of your adversaries will be able to resist or contradict. 16You will be betrayed even by parents, brothers, relatives and friends, and they will put some of you to death. 17All men will hate you because of me.18But not a hair of your head will perish. 19By standing firm you will gain life. Luke 21:12-19

my heart crys out for that friend of mine on the bus today.The girl who bravely stood up for her faith when being tormented and bullied. my heart is weeping yet i have hope. I stood up on the bus today to try to help this friend of mine along with josh and my other friend.it was praticly impossible for me to say anything because of where i was seated. but i prayed i prayed for my friend and the boy who was tormenting her and drilling her about her faith, i prayed for josh and other christians on the that they may see what was happening.then for some reason god told be to sit up and look around.. and you know what i saw, Christians. Lots of Christians! fellow Preacher kids, new christians, christians up and down the rows!
And i know that if i can name several then there may be some who i don't even know about.And with that i had hope! We are not alone!We need to stand up when we see others being tormented, if that meens trying to help by praying, being part of the conversationand doing your best to take some of the pain on yourself, or getting of the bus a few stops to late to talk to the person.

18But not a hair of your head will perish. 19By standing firm you will gain life.

And it's time for Aidan!

2006-12-02T19:18:00.000-06:00

2006-12-02T10:21:00.001-06:00

“If a man is offered a fact which goes against his instincts, he will scrutinize it closely, and unless the evidence is overwhelming, he will refuse to believe it. If, on the other hand, he is offered something which affords a reason for acting in accordance to his instincts, he will accept it even on the slightest evidence.” — Bertrand Russell, Roads to Freedom

2006-11-26T16:49:00.000-06:00

open your entire music list, turn on shuffle/random, hit next track for each question, write the title and then the band in brackets, add personal comments if you want. no cheating, that's stupid.

How am I feeling today?
love come around
By: the hill billy band

Will I get far in life?
gravity
By: sarah breilles

How do my friends see me?
ancient walls of flowers
By: marcy playground

When will I get Married?
it's only me
By: barenaked ladies

What's my theme song?
the vampires of new york
By: marcy playground

What is the story of my life?
Rialto
By: laura viers

How can I get ahead in life?
beautiful dawn
By: the wailing jennys

What is my best feature?
it's raining men
By: geri halliwell

How is today going to be?
closer to fine
By: indigo girls

What is in store for this weekend?
old man
By: the wailing jennys

What is my life like at the moment?
rebal sodville
By: marcy playground

What song describes my secrets?
shoebox
By: barenaked ladies

What song will they play at my funeral?:
another postcard
By: barenaked ladies

How does the world see me?
take it down
By: wailing jennys

Will I have a happy life?
secure yourself
By: indigo girls

What do my friends really think of me?
The parting glass
By: indigo girls

What is my theme song while I walk down the street?
ever fallen in love
By: pete yorn

What song plays while I sleep?
get in a line
By: barenaked ladies

What is my amazing dance song?
love bug
By: marcy playgroud

How do I relax?
in love with the 80's
By: relient k

Well that was compleatly pointless.yet somewhat interessting.

2006-11-24T16:45:00.001-06:00

Aidan took his first step the other day!

2006-11-20T19:52:00.000-06:00

my head is spinning.

today i decided to take all my photos and crap of my bullitin bored and reorganize them. in the process i found i picture of my next dorr neighbour from when i lived in wingham.This lady had such an impact on my life she has no idea she was one of my best friends and the closest thing i had to a grandmother.i thougt back to when i first met her.

i was 5 or 6 i think and i was walking down the street with my mother when on my neighboors lawn i saw a cat. i ran up to the cat to pet it. my mother called me back, but the lady sitting onm the porch laughed and said it was alright.after that we were great friends. at first i would go over to her house to see the cat ( alec was his name)but eventually i would go over to see her.the cat died my our friendship did not. we would spend hours talking over ice tea, she listened to me..she cared.when i moved to N.B we lost touch and it saddens me. one year my family went back to visit and i knocked on her door praying that she still lived there. she answered the door and we spent the day together, she took me out for ice cream and we talked and laughed together.Again we lost touch. i thought about her often..then last year i started writing her a letter about how much i appreciated her and how i missed her . i never sent it.

so today when i found the picture i looked closely and there to the left of her was the numbers on her house.And with that i could sent her a letter as i lived on the same strett and it was such a small town that we all had the same postal code.i remebered the day i took the pisture..just before i moved.i ran downstairs excited that i could finally sned her a letter. my parent were sitting at the table talking, i showed them the picture and told them my plan.then they told me that when they were in wingham this summer them found out that she had died from cancer ..last year.

so now i'm lost.i keep thinking that if i had sent that letter a year ago then she would have know that i loved her and how much she touched my life.i con't believe that i let us lose touch.
i'm grieving and it way sound silly because i havn't seen her in 5 years but something is different. i had always pictured going back someday and knocking on her door again and going for ice cream.but know that will never happen.she's gone.
the worst part is that i can't simply hope that i'll meet her agina someday in heaven..because i don't even know if she belived.

that brings up more thoughts.my like this my cancer?she wan't even that old! she wasn't done her life! how could god let her die?!

maybe i'm just over reacting but i've never hasd to deal with death before, i've never met my grand faters and my gradmothers both died when i was little.
i've always wanted to have grandparents and she was the closest thing i had and now i have nothing.

so i think the whole point of this post was to encourage you to send those letters, so make those phone calls. tell the people that you love just how important they are to you ..before it's to late.

2006-11-15T15:07:00.000-06:00

Is this not the most adorable kid you have ever seen?

2006-11-14T19:29:00.000-06:00

Your results:
You are Superman

Superman		100%
Spider-Man		85%
Hulk		60%
Supergirl		58%
Robin		57%
Iron Man		45%
Batman		40%
Wonder Woman		38%
The Flash		35%
Green Lantern		35%
Catwoman		20%

You are mild-mannered, good,
strong and you love to help others.
http://www.thesuperheroquiz.com/pics/superman.jpg">

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test

Why?

2006-11-11T07:05:00.000-06:00

Why do the babies starve
When there's enough food to feed the world
Why when there're so many of us
Are there people still alone
Why are the missiles called peace keepers
When they're aimed to kill
Why is a woman still not safe
When she's in her home
Love is hate
War is peace
No is yes
And we're all free
But somebody's gonna have to answer
The time is coming soon
Admidst all these questions and contradictions
There're some who seek the truth
But somebody's gonna have to answer
The time is coming soon
When the blind remove their blinders
And the speechless speak the truth
-tracy chapman

The weekend.

2006-11-05T14:24:00.000-06:00

So this weekend was exciting to say the least.i was easily persuaded to go to fredericton to visit my friend genna.soon after i arrived i got a phone call from my mother telling me that i have to be in church the following morning to do a puppet performance...this sent me into an immediate panic and calling many people long distance on genna's cell phone(payed by her mother).
To sum up my weekend i have had to much coffee,rode a crapy bike that was to big for me, ate a 6 year olds halloween candy,went to the meeting place,the market,, almost got hit by a few cars,nearly froze to death,hung out in my brothers apartment when he wasn't there with 3 people who also did live there and watched reruns of lost,named my new hat(luther) visited amanda fricker, went to a "birthday" party, had light saber battle in my friends living room and had some definate firsts and lasts...ok maybe not all lasts.

so now i is sunday afternoon and i have a crap load of studying to do, a bus ride home. but all i want to do is sleep and take tylonol.

well i'm off.

Erin.

i wish i was a child again

2006-10-27T20:34:00.000-05:00

what is going on?
where has the time gone?
i can't seem to wrap my head around the things that change in such a short time.
i just found out that one of my best friends from when i was 10 or so is pregnant. i can't seem to get it.
how did things change?

ohh there are days that i wish i was a child again.

please keep this friend of mine in your prayers.

-erin

2006-10-24T19:55:00.000-05:00

Psalm 51:10
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
amen.

2006-10-23T15:18:00.000-05:00

so i was thinking again about how awsome god is to have created the universe but then out of no where i started singing yet another song:
I have a maker
He formed my heart,
before even time began
My life was in his hands
He knows my name
He knows my every thought,
He sees each tear that falls
and hears me when I call
I have a father,
he calls me his own
He'll never leave me,
no matter where I go
He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
and hears me when I call
He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
and hears me when I call
He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call
He hears me when I call

this song sums up just what i'm thinking and prasing god for right now. God made such a wonderful creation and yet he stills knows ME! wow well i just find that so hard to understand yet so wonderful. i thought i share that with you.

-erin

2006-10-22T20:16:00.000-05:00

Last night i didn't sleep much i was up allnight reading, thinking and staring at the stars from my bedroom window. And it hit me how awsome the creation is! a huge universe so huge that i cannot even begin to comprehend.i was looking at the stars thinking and i started to think about how far away the stars are. if we look at something 5 lightyears away we are really seeing the past.and if we could see way out into a distant gallexy let us say 2 million lightyear away we are really seeing what happend 2 million years ago!that even before the world began! Our universe is so great that our creator well their are no words that begin to explain.then theirs the fact that even now our world is still expanding..it's consently changing and getting greater! now on this many of us may be on different pages but i personally belive that you can be a christian and be a creationist and still belive in the Big Bang theory. so lets say that god created the world with a "big bang" and the universe is still expanding and so logiclly somday it will be so great that it will collaps and shrink back down again to that ball of gas. that brigns up the question: is that what god meens by a new heaven and a new earth? but that also brings up another question: has it happened before. of course we cannot possibly know for sure because all life would be desroyed in the collaps other than primal elements. i don't know what i think about that possiblity but somewhere within me something is saying no. this is the first time.
any way i encourage you to take the time to simply stare at the stars and stand in awe of our awsome creator!

Lord Of all creation
Of water, earth, and sky
The heavens are
Your tabernacle
Glory to the Lord on high
God of wonders
beyond our galaxy
You are holy, holy
The universe declares
Your majesty
You are holy, holy
Lord of heaven and earth
Lord of heaven and earth
Early in the morning
I will celebrate the light
When I stumble in the darkness
I will call Your name by night
God of wonders
beyond our galaxy
You are holy, holy
The universe declares
Your majesty
You are holy, holy
Lord of heaven and earth
Lord of heaven and earth
Hallelujah to the Lord of heaven and earth
Hallelujah to the Lord of heaven and earth
Hallelujah to the Lord of heaven and earth
God of wonders
beyond our galaxy
You are holy, holy
Precious Lord reveal Your heart to me
Father holy, holy
The universe declares
Your majesty
You are holy, holy
Hallelujah to the Lord of heaven and earth
Hallelujah to the Lord of heaven and earth
Hallelujah to the Lord of heaven and earth

2006-10-22T10:47:00.000-05:00

this story from the fourth centry but is retold in brian mclaren's book :A generous orthodoxy.
it sums up how eastern orthodox church sees the importance of the incarnation. in jesus god came as a human to save all creation. i find it thought provocking and just plain beautiful.

Once apon a time there was a good and kind king who had a great kingdom with many cities. in one distant city , some poeple took advantage of the freedom the king gave them and started doing evil.they profited by their evil and began to fear that the kingwould interver and thro them into jail. Eventually these rebeles seethed with hatred for the king. they convinced the citythat everyone was better offwithout the king, and the city declared its independance from the kingdom.
but soon with everyone doing whatever they wanted, disorder reigned in the city.there was violence,hatred,lying , oppression,murder,rape,slavery, and fear.The king thought: what should i do?if i take my army and conquer the city by force, the people will fight against me and i'll have to kill so msany of them, and the rest will only submit through fear or intimidation, which will make them hate me and all i stand for evenmore.how does that help them--to be either dead or imprisoned or secretly seething with rage?but if i leave them alone , they'll destroy each other , and i breaks my heart to think of the pain they're causing and experiencing.
so the king did something very surprising. he took off his robed and dressses in the rags of a homeless wanderer. incognito, he entered the city and began living in a vacant lot lear a garbage dump. he took up a trade--fixing brokenpottery and furniture. whenever people came to him, his kindness and goodness and fairness and respect were so striking that they would linger just to be in his presence. they would tell him their fears and questions, and ask for advice. he told them that the rebels had fooled them, and that the true king had a better way to live , which he exemplified and taught . one by one then two by two then by the hundreds people began to have confidance in him and live in his way.
their influence spread to others, and the movement grew untill the whole city regretted its rebellion and wanted to return to the kingdom again. but ashamed of their horrible mistake , they were afraid to approch the king,believing that he would certanly destroy them for their rebellion. but the king-in-disguise told them the good news: he himself was the king, and he loved them. he held nothing against them, and he welcomed them back into his kingdom, having accomished by a gently, subtle presence what could have never been accomplished through brute force.

-erin

2006-10-19T14:54:00.000-05:00

karen boyce! you made my day.thanks!

Disconnect?

2006-10-16T20:18:00.000-05:00

Ring Ring. "Yes hello mouth? this is the head calling.i was just wondering why you never say what i want you to?"

thoughts &questions Prt 3

2006-10-14T22:23:00.000-05:00

it's now midnight. and my father is bugging me to go to bed and i know i should but i need to finnish. i need to get these thoughts out so that i can have some peace.

Love.
something that has brought up questions for me for years and i don't think that they will ever end.
What is love to me?
is it a feeling?and emotion?
a commitment?
a risk?
something only in our dreams?
is it something that only some people find?
is it something you "find" at all?
and what does it truly meen to love?
does true love never fail? how bout love at first sight?
and falling out of love?
should love hurt?
how do you know is you really do love someone?
does anybody have perfect love?
why does god love me?
and why would anybody?

i had a conversation with someone once and it ended with me being rather upset and with more questions. this person told me that people use the word love to flippently.

do i agree with that?
in some whys i do but at the same time i srtuggle with it. i think every body needs to be told that they are loved.but is it false?
-
i've blocked myself of from love and now i have trouble loving people without guilt, i'm trying despertly to let people in to letthem get to know me which is one reason i made this blog. i try to wirte in this like i would a diary forcing my self to let people know what i'm thinking instead of putting up a wall. ( thank you jonathon for showing me exactly what i was doing)
i'm now trying to let peple in.
-- i had a row with my borther this summer and one of the things that i didn't want to hear (thats true) is the fact that as soon as their is somethingk wrong i shut off from the world.

i have forced myself not to love because i don't want to get hurt again ( i'm not talking about romantic love) i was so concerned that someone would let me down that i stopped myself from loving.
-recently i had a conversationg with someone about that very topic and they said this.: "The beautiful thing about love is , there are no guarantees"the thing that makes love special is the fast that it's a risk..we don't know what will happen ommorow or the next day.but if we chosse to love it can make a world of difference.

i guess the only constant love is gods.he perfects our love.god is the only one that can truly love perfectly.

now that brings up more quesions.
---
what is perfect?
we can't possible know what perfec tis because we have never experienced anything compleatly perfect. infac ti'm amazed that it's evern a word.if we knew what perfect was thenevery sigle person would agree.there would be no doubt about it. and if we knew what perfec twas there would immediatly be people allover the world trying to make it a reality.
now here's when what i just said comes into conflict with my faith. we do have an example of perfect , jesus.so we as christians should be doing more to make perfect happen!

so here's my last question for tonight. What is my perfect?what is yours?
---
what all these questions make me think about is the story that Wright used in his book " simply christian"
there was world compleatly ruled by a dicator..not a bad one but he never the less had compleat control.but allthrough the world there was these abnormally springs of water that would pop up.it made the dictator feel less in control so he took controll be paving the intire world. cement comering every where other thab designated wells. And he was in controll. but then something becang to happen the water began to fose it's way out and shot out every where.

this story is basically supposed to be a parralle to our world . we take contolr of our lives by paving it over blocking out questions. but everntually the questiongs break through and pop put every where. Thats where i'm at now.
well more on the story later.
-erin

Thoughts and Questions prt 2

2006-10-14T22:06:00.000-05:00

more questions.
Anther thing i've been thinking about is how i preceive god.Jon gave us this thing a that had a listof things that we may possibly discribe god as. it it too got me thinking. What do i really belive? who is god to me.?and how has that image of god i have changed over the years?
i can't quite rember how i pictured god when i was a kid beacue i never really quesioned it. it was just part of who i was. then i thought of god as more like a friend like somone walking beside me ready to listen anytime. And then i got mad and my image of him changed to more of a god who wound up the clock at the beginning of time and is now watching us suffer. but that changed to. i once again believe in a personal god who cares and participates in our everyday lives.but i think i've come to realise that i'm never gonna get the image of gods perfect because i'm so simple and god is so complex i cannot even begin to understand him. The only thing i know for sure is i'm not praying to the pictures of white, long brown hair and bearded jesus that are hung up every where you go.

-erin

So many thoughts & questions prt 1.

2006-10-14T21:31:00.000-05:00

My mind is racing. my head is full. i can think straight because so many things are going on in my head. obessive thinking is my problem.compulsive?i don't know.I cannot even begin to fully explain everything but i need to try to get some of this out. deep breath.

*please skip this post if rambling is something you have a problem with.

so the last ..year has brought me many questions but the last few months i have been over whelmed. this week in particular.and i'm not even sure where to start.
this week at youth group we looked at the story of the prodical son.(luke 5:8) i've heard this story over and over i could recite it if i had to.but the other night i saw it in a whole new light.now i know what i'm about to go on abpout has been said by many people all through the ages but please bare with me as i do it once again.

i feel like that son.reading that story i can now relate. i've taken what the father gave me and scwandered it.i ran off and wasted evey thing. and when i was gone i was left empty and basically eating with the pigs.now i'm coming to my sences and realizing that i'm hungry but if i were home with my father i would be full.so i guess now i'm going home i can see the father in the distance but i'm stuck. my feet won't move.my heart tells them to go my my head is to busy questioning itself to make them move.
now many people leave it at that.they compare themselves to the son and drop it. but thats where i saw the story in a new way. it's not about the son or me it's about the father. maybe the story should be titles "the forgiving father"the father is running with his arms wide open just longing for the son to come home. and when the son finnaly makes his heas listen to his heart and embrasses the father.the father instantaniouly forgives the son.this takes the breath from me.what i wonderful promise!
in the bible i was reading form at youth there was a set of bible study questions. here is one of them.
look at your life, where are you?
1. at home but not very happy
2.in the far off country
3.coming to your sences
4.on the way home but not sure what you'll find
5.just arrived and feeling great
6.enjoying the party

this question made me think and i encourage you to think about it too. but it also brought up the question : do we get to the party in this life?or is heaven the party?.

well i'm coming home but i'm not sure what i'll find but i sure hope that the partys not to far off.

-erin

2006-10-03T15:19:00.000-05:00

Look at my heart again
Look at the mess
I've got it in
I'm trying to trust in You
To know that you'll see me through
Through my pride
Through my shame
Into Your love
Into Your grace
I'm not looking back
Till I see Your face
And I'm running straight to You Because
All I really want to do is to fall into
The emptiness that is
The space in-between us
To break this division
All I really want to do is to fall into
The emptiness that is
The space in-between us
Erase it and bring us together again
My life's like an open book
Nothing is hidden when you look
You break through my boundaries
Revealing my insecurities
But through my pride
And through my shameYou show me love
You show me grace
I'm not looking back Till I see your face
And I'm running straight to you
Because
Here I am saying I need you
I know I need you
Here I am, I'm coming to meet you
Cause I want to see you

2006-10-02T16:07:00.000-05:00

goodness.i'm truly pissed off.so not only do my parents snoop through my stuff but their taking pictures of it now. when it comes to my stuff i have absolutly no privacy..and they wonder why i'm such a private person and refuse to talk to them.hmm.geesh.

surpirse visit

2006-09-30T21:25:00.000-05:00

Oh the blessings that i've had.Amanda fricker and mike came by today for a visit..it's just what i needed.

Erin grace
(peace&grace)

And the rain poured down.

2006-09-30T09:00:00.000-05:00

yesterday it rained and rained. I stood out side until it stopped.and it was when i was jumping in a puddle soaked to the bone with my best friend that i relised that i'm only 16.for so long i've been frustrated with my self trying to make myself older than i am.And it worked.i lost my youth i lost myself and i also lost sight of god.
so here's the truth friends. you may hfave noticed through my posts that i was struggling..but for the most part i've just continued my life not telling anyone the truth.i've actually lied.. more like pretended. i pretended to be a christian.singing songs and going to church.but if someone had asked me directly if i was a christian i don't know what i would have said.the last few months i've grown closer and closer to being a agnosic than ever befor.i stoped believing i was angry.anger consumed me. anger for god..for myself and the mess i'd made of my life so far.And angry with the world.
i blamed of my lack of faith on some of the reading i've been doing latly.but deep down i know that the lack of faith didn't start with philosopy. it's just what i turned to when i couldn't make sence of what i did believe.
i refused to believe because i said "the world is too messed up for there to be a god that cares" i thought that maybe theres a god who created the wolrd and like a wind up clock let us go.doing nothing but watch us suffer. But o boy waas i wrong. i've relized that there are so many beautiful loving people in this world who genuinly care about me that the must be a god!
friends i thank you from the bottom of my heart for the prayers. and for the patience that you\ve had with me.you have been a gift.and i truly aprecite it.
so to get to the point.last night i rededicated my life to christ!and i feel like a load fell off my shoulders.
now i know that it's not going to be easy but i've learned this.. that doubting you faith is important..because if you never doubt...you have no faith. catch my drift? i'm sure that there will be times in my life that i will again turn from god beacause of doubt..but now i know that it is an essential element in truly finding the truth.
so today i started fresh i pulled out mybible fixed it up reduct taped the cover to hold the pages of my teen study bible together and held it there and for the first time in ages had a hunger for gods word.

another thing that i've been thinking about is a man named Victor. Victor has hiv Aides. and honestly i doin't even know if he's still alive.i met victor in a hospital in new york for termanlly ill patients most of them had aids.they were on their death beds. to quot myself from an old post.." i was walking through the hall with paul when he waved us into his room. The man was weak and you could tell it took all his strengh to lift his arms but the first thing he did was raise his arms and say " I love God". he was dying from aids. but he was absolutly beaming .we prayed with him then sang this song ( come unto me) . victor was trying to talk and lift his arms and was so happy. i couldn't grasp how someone that close to death could smile.But wait that isn't even the most amazing part! when we left the hospital we were talking to our guide about our expirences and we told her about victor.She got super excited and then told us that the day befor, the other half of our team had visited victor and he had given his life to christ.When they saw him the first time he was so sick that he wasn't talking and couldn't move. But the VERY next day he was trying to talk and move and he was beaming. " If the day after this man DYING of aids was joyful than i can have that joy too!!and as victor found..that joy only comes from one thing. Jesus.

I believe in the sun
even when it is not shining.
I believe in love
even when I feel it not.
I believe in God
even when He is silent.
(written on a wall in a concentration camp)

well please keep me in your prayers.thankyou again.

Erin grace
(peace&grace)

2006-09-27T18:13:00.000-05:00

A little philosophy inclineth man’s mind to atheism, but depth in philosophy bringeth men’s minds about to religion.--francis bacon.

suppose i better not quit now then but keep digging.oh dear.