And the rain poured down.

yesterday it rained and rained. I stood out side until it stopped.and it was when i was jumping in a puddle soaked to the bone with my best friend that i relised that i'm only 16.for so long i've been frustrated with my self trying to make myself older than i am.And it worked.i lost my youth i lost myself and i also lost sight of god.
so here's the truth friends. you may hfave noticed through my posts that i was struggling..but for the most part i've just continued my life not telling anyone the truth.i've actually lied.. more like pretended. i pretended to be a christian.singing songs and going to church.but if someone had asked me directly if i was a christian i don't know what i would have said.the last few months i've grown closer and closer to being a agnosic than ever befor.i stoped believing i was angry.anger consumed me. anger for god..for myself and the mess i'd made of my life so far.And angry with the world.
i blamed of my lack of faith on some of the reading i've been doing latly.but deep down i know that the lack of faith didn't start with philosopy. it's just what i turned to when i couldn't make sence of what i did believe.
i refused to believe because i said "the world is too messed up for there to be a god that cares" i thought that maybe theres a god who created the wolrd and like a wind up clock let us go.doing nothing but watch us suffer. But o boy waas i wrong. i've relized that there are so many beautiful loving people in this world who genuinly care about me that the must be a god!
friends i thank you from the bottom of my heart for the prayers. and for the patience that you\ve had with me.you have been a gift.and i truly aprecite it.
so to get to the point.last night i rededicated my life to christ!and i feel like a load fell off my shoulders.
now i know that it's not going to be easy but i've learned this.. that doubting you faith is important..because if you never doubt...you have no faith. catch my drift? i'm sure that there will be times in my life that i will again turn from god beacause of doubt..but now i know that it is an essential element in truly finding the truth.
so today i started fresh i pulled out mybible fixed it up reduct taped the cover to hold the pages of my teen study bible together and held it there and for the first time in ages had a hunger for gods word.

another thing that i've been thinking about is a man named Victor. Victor has hiv Aides. and honestly i doin't even know if he's still alive.i met victor in a hospital in new york for termanlly ill patients most of them had aids.they were on their death beds. to quot myself from an old post.." i was walking through the hall with paul when he waved us into his room. The man was weak and you could tell it took all his strengh to lift his arms but the first thing he did was raise his arms and say " I love God". he was dying from aids. but he was absolutly beaming .we prayed with him then sang this song ( come unto me) . victor was trying to talk and lift his arms and was so happy. i couldn't grasp how someone that close to death could smile.But wait that isn't even the most amazing part! when we left the hospital we were talking to our guide about our expirences and we told her about victor.She got super excited and then told us that the day befor, the other half of our team had visited victor and he had given his life to christ.When they saw him the first time he was so sick that he wasn't talking and couldn't move. But the VERY next day he was trying to talk and move and he was beaming. " If the day after this man DYING of aids was joyful than i can have that joy too!!and as victor found..that joy only comes from one thing. Jesus.


I believe in the sun
even when it is not shining.
I believe in love
even when I feel it not.
I believe in God
even when He is silent.
(written on a wall in a concentration camp)


well please keep me in your prayers.thankyou again.

Erin grace
(peace&grace)