it's now midnight. and my father is bugging me to go to bed and i know i should but i need to finnish. i need to get these thoughts out so that i can have some peace.
Love.
something that has brought up questions for me for years and i don't think that they will ever end.
What is love to me?
is it a feeling?and emotion?
a commitment?
a risk?
something only in our dreams?
is it something that only some people find?
is it something you "find" at all?
and what does it truly meen to love?
does true love never fail? how bout love at first sight?
and falling out of love?
should love hurt?
how do you know is you really do love someone?
does anybody have perfect love?
why does god love me?
and why would anybody?
i had a conversation with someone once and it ended with me being rather upset and with more questions. this person told me that people use the word love to flippently.
do i agree with that?
in some whys i do but at the same time i srtuggle with it. i think every body needs to be told that they are loved.but is it false?
-
i've blocked myself of from love and now i have trouble loving people without guilt, i'm trying despertly to let people in to letthem get to know me which is one reason i made this blog. i try to wirte in this like i would a diary forcing my self to let people know what i'm thinking instead of putting up a wall. ( thank you jonathon for showing me exactly what i was doing)
i'm now trying to let peple in.
-- i had a row with my borther this summer and one of the things that i didn't want to hear (thats true) is the fact that as soon as their is somethingk wrong i shut off from the world.
i have forced myself not to love because i don't want to get hurt again ( i'm not talking about romantic love) i was so concerned that someone would let me down that i stopped myself from loving.
-recently i had a conversationg with someone about that very topic and they said this.: "The beautiful thing about love is , there are no guarantees"the thing that makes love special is the fast that it's a risk..we don't know what will happen ommorow or the next day.but if we chosse to love it can make a world of difference.
i guess the only constant love is gods.he perfects our love.god is the only one that can truly love perfectly.
now that brings up more quesions.
---
what is perfect?
we can't possible know what perfec tis because we have never experienced anything compleatly perfect. infac ti'm amazed that it's evern a word.if we knew what perfect was thenevery sigle person would agree.there would be no doubt about it. and if we knew what perfec twas there would immediatly be people allover the world trying to make it a reality.
now here's when what i just said comes into conflict with my faith. we do have an example of perfect , jesus.so we as christians should be doing more to make perfect happen!
so here's my last question for tonight. What is my perfect?what is yours?
---
what all these questions make me think about is the story that Wright used in his book " simply christian"
there was world compleatly ruled by a dicator..not a bad one but he never the less had compleat control.but allthrough the world there was these abnormally springs of water that would pop up.it made the dictator feel less in control so he took controll be paving the intire world. cement comering every where other thab designated wells. And he was in controll. but then something becang to happen the water began to fose it's way out and shot out every where.
this story is basically supposed to be a parralle to our world . we take contolr of our lives by paving it over blocking out questions. but everntually the questiongs break through and pop put every where. Thats where i'm at now.
well more on the story later.
-erin
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Thoughts and Questions prt 2
more questions.
Anther thing i've been thinking about is how i preceive god.Jon gave us this thing a that had a listof things that we may possibly discribe god as. it it too got me thinking. What do i really belive? who is god to me.?and how has that image of god i have changed over the years?
i can't quite rember how i pictured god when i was a kid beacue i never really quesioned it. it was just part of who i was. then i thought of god as more like a friend like somone walking beside me ready to listen anytime. And then i got mad and my image of him changed to more of a god who wound up the clock at the beginning of time and is now watching us suffer. but that changed to. i once again believe in a personal god who cares and participates in our everyday lives.but i think i've come to realise that i'm never gonna get the image of gods perfect because i'm so simple and god is so complex i cannot even begin to understand him. The only thing i know for sure is i'm not praying to the pictures of white, long brown hair and bearded jesus that are hung up every where you go.
-erin
Anther thing i've been thinking about is how i preceive god.Jon gave us this thing a that had a listof things that we may possibly discribe god as. it it too got me thinking. What do i really belive? who is god to me.?and how has that image of god i have changed over the years?
i can't quite rember how i pictured god when i was a kid beacue i never really quesioned it. it was just part of who i was. then i thought of god as more like a friend like somone walking beside me ready to listen anytime. And then i got mad and my image of him changed to more of a god who wound up the clock at the beginning of time and is now watching us suffer. but that changed to. i once again believe in a personal god who cares and participates in our everyday lives.but i think i've come to realise that i'm never gonna get the image of gods perfect because i'm so simple and god is so complex i cannot even begin to understand him. The only thing i know for sure is i'm not praying to the pictures of white, long brown hair and bearded jesus that are hung up every where you go.
-erin
So many thoughts & questions prt 1.
My mind is racing. my head is full. i can think straight because so many things are going on in my head. obessive thinking is my problem.compulsive?i don't know.I cannot even begin to fully explain everything but i need to try to get some of this out. deep breath.
*please skip this post if rambling is something you have a problem with.
so the last ..year has brought me many questions but the last few months i have been over whelmed. this week in particular.and i'm not even sure where to start.
this week at youth group we looked at the story of the prodical son.(luke 5:8) i've heard this story over and over i could recite it if i had to.but the other night i saw it in a whole new light.now i know what i'm about to go on abpout has been said by many people all through the ages but please bare with me as i do it once again.
i feel like that son.reading that story i can now relate. i've taken what the father gave me and scwandered it.i ran off and wasted evey thing. and when i was gone i was left empty and basically eating with the pigs.now i'm coming to my sences and realizing that i'm hungry but if i were home with my father i would be full.so i guess now i'm going home i can see the father in the distance but i'm stuck. my feet won't move.my heart tells them to go my my head is to busy questioning itself to make them move.
now many people leave it at that.they compare themselves to the son and drop it. but thats where i saw the story in a new way. it's not about the son or me it's about the father. maybe the story should be titles "the forgiving father"the father is running with his arms wide open just longing for the son to come home. and when the son finnaly makes his heas listen to his heart and embrasses the father.the father instantaniouly forgives the son.this takes the breath from me.what i wonderful promise!
in the bible i was reading form at youth there was a set of bible study questions. here is one of them.
look at your life, where are you?
1. at home but not very happy
2.in the far off country
3.coming to your sences
4.on the way home but not sure what you'll find
5.just arrived and feeling great
6.enjoying the party
this question made me think and i encourage you to think about it too. but it also brought up the question : do we get to the party in this life?or is heaven the party?.
well i'm coming home but i'm not sure what i'll find but i sure hope that the partys not to far off.
-erin
*please skip this post if rambling is something you have a problem with.
so the last ..year has brought me many questions but the last few months i have been over whelmed. this week in particular.and i'm not even sure where to start.
this week at youth group we looked at the story of the prodical son.(luke 5:8) i've heard this story over and over i could recite it if i had to.but the other night i saw it in a whole new light.now i know what i'm about to go on abpout has been said by many people all through the ages but please bare with me as i do it once again.
i feel like that son.reading that story i can now relate. i've taken what the father gave me and scwandered it.i ran off and wasted evey thing. and when i was gone i was left empty and basically eating with the pigs.now i'm coming to my sences and realizing that i'm hungry but if i were home with my father i would be full.so i guess now i'm going home i can see the father in the distance but i'm stuck. my feet won't move.my heart tells them to go my my head is to busy questioning itself to make them move.
now many people leave it at that.they compare themselves to the son and drop it. but thats where i saw the story in a new way. it's not about the son or me it's about the father. maybe the story should be titles "the forgiving father"the father is running with his arms wide open just longing for the son to come home. and when the son finnaly makes his heas listen to his heart and embrasses the father.the father instantaniouly forgives the son.this takes the breath from me.what i wonderful promise!
in the bible i was reading form at youth there was a set of bible study questions. here is one of them.
look at your life, where are you?
1. at home but not very happy
2.in the far off country
3.coming to your sences
4.on the way home but not sure what you'll find
5.just arrived and feeling great
6.enjoying the party
this question made me think and i encourage you to think about it too. but it also brought up the question : do we get to the party in this life?or is heaven the party?.
well i'm coming home but i'm not sure what i'll find but i sure hope that the partys not to far off.
-erin
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