I feel like a gerk, but what could i do. I was forced to kick out one of my roommates today. the next 24 hours will be hell, as he moves out.

I'm living my dream right now. As pathetic as it may sound. it's almost 4 in the morning, i've had too much caffine. i'm painting. i havn't slept. but i feel great. Wonderful infact. I'm up late, over caffinated and covered in paint. Ahh this is the life. right now i;m just waiting for a layer of paint to dry. i\m making use of those paints that i poured paint all over the other day by accendent, and i love them. I like the painting i am doing right now. i'm going to call it "we in this together"

I had a late night talk with my brother and sister tonight. and i am at peace, becuase as messed up as the hodge family is, and always will be...as many miles as we are apart, te history, the fights...we love each other. I thank god that i'm not alone in everything.

Yeah, so i'm so overcaffinated that i have heart palipations. lovely. i'm having a lovely evening...not getting any work done.

I have fallen in love with a cafe called crumbs. This place is exactly the kind of place i want to own someday.
therefore i'm day dreaming like crazy...
oh and there are englich boys that hangout here.
i'm going to have those when i own a place like this too. yeah. for serious.
so i really should get back to work, i have a date with aristotle, then i'm going to have a fling with Virgil. Yeah, i'm playing the philosophy field.

So i'm starting to get the nervous, anxious feeling about moving.
I know that it isn't set in stone, and that it's not for almost 7 months...but still i'm starting to get that feeling in the pit of my stomac.

it's funny, i've moved before. a few times, all a points in my life that i was far more impressionanable and easily scared than i am now...but i have never never had this long to think about it. when i moved to N.B i only had a about 3 months to think on it. Grandbay move, seems like even less. Fredericton, HA i barly thought about it.

so maybe all this time to plan and stuff isn't all that great

i'm just well nervous, and scared to leave my friends.

I have great friends, maybe not tuns but friends that i can truly rely on. What if i don't meet more friends like these.

i'm going to miss you guys so much.

and in a way i feel like i am abandoning you. Plans, dreams, things we were going to do when we graduate.

i'm in no way changing my mind, because i think if i were i would be kicking my self for years to come, i;'m just relising how hard it will be for me.

Not all who wander are lost.....

Well... i'm not lost, although i think i'm going to spend the next few years of my life convincing people of that fact...

Next year, either late spring or early summer i'm thinking of taking a big move...bigger move than ever before. i think, more than think at this point actually more like plan, that i am moving to winnipeg.

In winnipeg i'll attend the university of manitoba, which has an excellent fine art/art history program.

I'm dying to go to art school.

i'm thinking/planning of doing a year to 2 years in winnipeg-then another big move back closer to "home" to halifax to attend nscad for the remainder of my degree. This is for the simple reason that i am in love with that school, and i could get more specialized there. Plus over the last 5 years, i've come to love the maritimes and plan to settle ( OMG) here someday....
not that it's going to happen any time soon.

hey maybe i will make it my goal to live in as many different places as possible before i'm 25.

So ya, some wandering is in the future, thankfull i have some strong support for the decison and feel that this, is the best thing.

Saint thomas...i'll be back, some day...
if i had more money than i would do both, but i have my whole life ahead of me. cause life dosn't stop at 20 and it certainly won't stop if i "switch boats in the middle of the lake" HA.

How productive am I?

That's a good question.

over the last while i have:

watched the equivalent of 3 seasons of friends
scanned over 100 old pictures
scanned my face 7 times
spent far to many hours on facebook
blogged
gone to see a movie
oraginized my music several times
fliped my calender
cleaned a penny

Here's the truth...
nothing but the truth,

I'm a failure

i'm messed up

i make mistakes

i've been fake, put on a mask, pretended to be something that i'm not, something no one is. i've but on the face like i've got it all together...but thats a lie. i'm messed up and so are you.

time to face the facts, to be honest to be TRUE,REAL,AUTHENTIC.

That is what i long for...not just long, not just search for...i'm hunting for it

to know the true, real and AUTHENTIC Jesus, in his awsome, revolutionary and edgy way, and then...note that understanding Jesus is my first step. Then i can be who i was made to be. Right now, right here though...i'm being real but admitting something that our human nature makes it hard to do...that i'm certainly not perfect- that i have issues. i'm sorry.

Last night, lying looking up at the ceiling i thought about just the things that i did wrong that day...and to be honest, i was ashamed. In the same way that sometimes i don't feel like i fit in with a group because they are better people than me, to feel ashamed and know that i am the most messed up one...i realized that i was in the presence of GOD. And holy crap did that shake me to the core. to realize that i was in the presence of a divine, perfect and unimaginable being, and i felt shame. i was listening to a talk...and there was a story that went like this:

in my dream i was in a waiting room before heaven
in the room sitting on the couches was me,mother thersa, a few of my buddies and hitler. over an intercom a voice called people in by two's to be judged. i thought to my self....let me go in with hitler...not mother thersa please not mother thersa, she will make me look bad...but hitler, well i'll look like a saint. finaly i'm called in...with hitler. "YES!". i walk in the room thinking that it will go well because compared to hitler i look good. THEN i see god, and flat on my face i fall. comparing my self to hitler or others no longer matter because i have seen the face of God, and now i compare myself to GOD!

as i listen to this story, i was mentally lying face first on the ground before the lord.

and i learned this,the awazing thing--that as messed up as i am, GOD LOVES TO PICK ME UP, CLEAN ME OFF, TAKE CARE OF ME AND FIX MY MISTAKES, HE LOVES ME. this is something that i have known for ages, but to FEEL it was a tottaly differnt thing

This was supposed to be a good day.

Damn it, I want to be an artist. Thats it. Thats the truth the hard shocking truth. The kind of truth that my parents will worry about, the kind that society says is crazy.

I want to me a stay at home mom, but try telling the guidance counscillor that. It's worse than saying that you want to be an artist of a living.

I want to be the kind of mom that stays at home and homeschools her kids and lets them play in her art studio.

Sure there are all kinds of things that i know i could do, things that i may be more succesful at, things that will make my parents more happy. My mom once said, and i'm not sure if she understood how much this hurt me, that she would love to paint for a living but she needs to do something that brings glory to god. That made me snap, our of anger and sadness. It broke my heart to hear my mom say that painting dosn't bring glory to god. Not that i agree with that at all! I'm of the mind that God wants us to create. He gave us the ablity to create and it makes him happy to see us use our gifts. Creating for the Creator is my motto and i'm sticking to it. Just like an Art teacher does (should in my case) be very please at any creation a student makes because they are using what they have learned. r how and english teacher is pleased when a student picks up a book or writes a poem, i think God is happy when i paint.

So here the thing, i'm of the mind set that God isn't stuck up in the details. I DON'T think that God has ONE thing that i am called to do. I think as long as i do something that uses the gifts and talents that he gave me, that it is healthy for me, and i do that thing using what he has taught me, in love then i'm golden. I've said it before and i'll say it now: it's like a parent that takes their child to the park. They say "Have fun", be carful, and don't hit. They don't say: you are destined to play on the swing for 10 mins and then the slide for 5.5 mins. Thats my theory---that god is like that parent.

And honestly i think of all the things that i could do, of all the playgroud equipment that i can use and i'm drawn to a few specifically, but thats MY desire.

There are so many different careers that though my life i've wanted to be...here i'll make a list of all the different things i've wanted to do with my life:

from the first idea i ever had to present:

A vetrenarian and a mom
A doctor and a mom
A firefighter and a mom
An engineer and a mom
An architech and a mom
A writer and a mom
a councillor and a mom
A radio jurnalist and a mom
A youth pastor and a mom
A minister and a mom
A business owner and a mom
An international Aid worker and a mom

hmm. see a pattern there?


When i sit and think of all the things that i can do i simply picture this, me being able to take my kids to the park and Huge canvases lining the walls of my fabuluos and spacious studio are the only things i see.

So you saw the list of the possible careers i've thought about...now get this:

Ace

Alister

asher

terance

hunter

xavier

elijah

issac

nataniel

nathanael

paul

gavin

silas

mack

harrison

samuel

Ada

Adaia

Juno

genna

sadie

Addie

gray

Adora

Agape

aimée

amélie

Anna

sophie

faith

jayne

jane

norah

moriah

ava

catherine

These are only like a quarter of the names that i have been compiling since i could write. Names that i would consider naming my kids.

But then my head feels like it's going to explode. Cause well..WHAT THE HELL. i don't even have a boyfriend. And i've got lists of names. geezh.

Then i get to thinking...If i want to be an artist...I REALLY DO, Why am i not going to art school. why am i going to STU.

BUt then i think to my self...but i want to do that too...
then i want to get my masters...
and i want to travel
and i also would like to have a place to live and not be homeless with a masters degree and so much debt that i have to slip out of the country and become a refguee because i spent 8 years learning about internation aid to protect them. GOD. i can't even make it though a year of university with out a loan and i want to get my masters and go to art school.

But...i know the good old verse. thru him all things are possible... and i need to trust him. Trust him with my money, which i'm trying desperatly to do, even tithing is super hard for me. Even though in the long run i always have enough money if i do tith...

But honestly i just want to paint. Big canvases and loads of coulor and paint stained clothes and messy hair.

That what i want. I want to do commisions and sell paintings. Who cares if i don't even make minium wage off of them. For instance i'm getting paid for a painting tomorrow that i spent several weeks working on and i;m getting 250$ which sounds nice...but if you think of the canvas and the paint ans the time...well it's not going to pay rent.

Frig. I Dream in paint. NO joke. I DREAM in paint. with the occasional dream in chalk and pastel.

I have nbo idea what i am feeling. it hurts my head.

God, please make this make sence. And i haven't even thought about the fact that graduation is next week. oh dear.

Ohh yeah, i forgot. I Got an offer for a Solo Art show next spring!!!

I also have most of my room mates for next year, just waiting on some clarity from 2.

Holy jeepers

Holy jeepers, i'm basically finished! i have no more classes in highschool, and i'm slightly confused about how i feel about it. Excited, sad, scared? ohh dear. too much at once.

I don't get it, i really don't. yesterday and even earlier today i was freaking out. what am i going to do this summer, what am i supposed to be? am i going to get that scholarship? will i get that job? will i pass that test?
.
.
.
but right now, in this moment, all of that is gone.
i am compleatly....CONTENT. there is no other way to discribe it.

Thank the Lord.

Update

So this has been a difficult month, and i see no let up any time soon. I didn't get the job at camp medley, something that i tried to be prepared for but was still hard to take. The idea about living in freddy for the summer is also not happening because of the expence, i really need to save as much as possible this summer.
So my options right now are to go to winnipeg and stay with my sister and family and work there...or stay in N.B
i applyed to camp brookwood, something i was concidering doing last summer anyway. And we shall see what happens with that.
Please pray that i will know with absoulute clarity what is the best option.
i'm all done IB art, but my other courses have picked up and my work load is the same if not bigger.
well thats all for now.

Update.

So here's the update.

It's the second term of the last semester of my highschool life. A twing of nostalga as a think about these last 4 years.

I have my prom dress,and my white dress.

And Ib art is just about finnished.
I signed a lease for a house, i start moving in slowly starting in may!

The art show went well, i sold 7 paintings for a total 390$ And have been comissioned to do a painting of carmarthen street that will bring in 300$ and two more possible commisions from an architectural firm. ( details not worked out)

No word yet about if i'm hired or not at camp medley for this summer, i'm getting a bit anxious. I have decided that if i don't get hired i'm moving to fredericton early and doing summer session at STU. maybe work part time. But just to get my feet wet if you get what i mean. aLthough camp is where i really want to be.

Still havn't decided what i want to take next year. the program i wanted to take is not being offered. and the alternative includes english which is not what i was really intresseted in.

Also keeping in mind that i may end up at the ART colledge in fredericton if STU dosn't work out for me next year. Or even end up in winnipeg. but thats farther in the furtur. at least 2 years in fredericton.

well i have a ton of work to do...2 history papers, 2 can lit papers, and another history paper and a commentary. plus getting ready for my art exam. sigh.

So in Can Lit we had to read a poem and then write a story about the character. Here is mine and kat's.


I’m waiting for the phone to ring
On Valentines day
I fell asleep on the floor
So now I’m staring at the ceiling
I really should paint it
It looks kind of gray
I really should get up
but I like it this way
Nice and flat on my carpet
I should be ashamed of myself
Lying here
In the middle of books and bottles
And letters and socks and newspapers
I really wish that I wasn’t such a bum
I should be out there
Enjoying life at full throttle
I’d get people to jump with a snap
Man, I’ll start tomorrow
Right now I gotta nap.






On the back of my door hangs my bulletin board, and attached to it with tacks are my calendar and random pages of paper. Most pages are lists; things to do, things to buy, phone numbers, and other stuff. Stuff that I will most likely never end up doing. I strive for self improvement, I really do, but some days…well, most days I haven’t the drive or will power.

The floor is hard because the carpet is so thin; It’s actually increasingly thin where I’m lying, ‘cause I just lay here on a daily basis. I like the feeling of lying on a hard surface; it keeps me alert, awake and alive.

So…Why am I still waiting for him to call? I doubt he ever will. It’s hopeless, really, and it isn’t bound to solve anything.

I should just get up and go meander around town. Find love in other places, in the world around me. And not just in a single person, but in everything. The trees, the architecture, the water. Some days I’m more in love with the city itself than the people in it. I’d rather wander by my self, smoking a good cigar, looking at interesting buildings, than “hang out” and talk about nothing with people that I know will disloyally judge and talk about me as soon as I leave. Maybe I’ll end up all alone, living in one the houses that I presently tend to pace outside of and occasionally sketch or paint. I’ll stand in the window, admiring the brickwork in the archway over the neighbor’s very stylish Georgian door.
I look down at my ripped, partly bleached pants. Frig. I need to get a new pair. They are starting to wear, fray and just look grungy. I guess my whole room is sorta like that. There are still blocks of white that we left blank when we painted my room orange a few years back. I had planned to fill them with my own paintings, but now they just remind me of something else that I neglected [I only suggest neglected, although failure implies an aspect of her personality…change it back if you will!] to do. There’s no real point in doing it now, next year, I plan on packing up all of my stuff---and myself, of course—to leave and get an education. I’ll only take the worthwhile things with me next year, which, to most people, looks like junk. The maps on my walls that I’ve spent hours pouring over, my favourite books (most of which belong not to me but to my brother). I’ll take my journals and some old mixed CDs and my favourite pillow too.

I guess next year to me is a fresh start, a clean slate. Maybe I’ll change over the summer, cut my hair, and buy a pair of heals to go with a whole new wardrobe. That’s the thing about moving: You can change, and no body knows, other than your family who are usually too busy packing or attempting to keep things the same to notice that you’ve changed. Ironic, really.

I get to change a lot, to pack up and move or just switch schools. Some of the people who manage to witness the changing have accused me of lying to myself and to others about who I really am, but I don’t see it that way. I see it a little something like…trying on a bunch of different hats or some sort of other clothing, wearing them around for a bit, seeing how they feel, and whether or not they suit you. Eventually you can pick your favourite hat and get comfortable in it. For some people, this happens really early on, I’ll be old when it happens for me, I bet, but who knows? I seem to like the hat I’m wearing right now. Maybe I’ll keep it.

On the topic of hats, I really should clean my room, or at least add it to my to-do list, considering there are hats and stuff all over the frigging place. The pile of bottles in the corner is growing, and I should really deal with it, and the stack of newspapers is getting ridiculous. Honestly, how many times can I read the same news over again? Reading the newspaper and watching the news are how I keep up with what’s wrong in the world. I wish it were the opposite, but I’m fairly pessimistic for an optimist. Wait, maybe it’s the other way around. …Oh well.

Every night it’s the same routine: I watch the news, and maybe some sort of news related show like “the hour”, and then, I turn the dial on my radio from CBC to the local comedy channel. That way I can feel well-informed about the world without going to bed depressed every night. My TV is so old, that thing is about as deep as it is wide and must weigh close to 50 pounds. I moved across my room the other day and was pleasantly surprise to have a new channel, a less depressing one too!

Well, I really should get up and go do something. I get the feeling that the phone isn’t going to be ringing, and even if it does, I doubt it would amount to anything essential. That’s what I should be doing right now—amounting to something. But…maybe I’ll work at that later. Right now, I gotta nap.

AHH, so i'm stressing out. Art show opens tommorow, huge test today, and a possible house thing.

The nose ring.

I Got my nose peirced in september, a day i'll never forget.

I learned that my nose has a tendancy to bleed a lot and that you should never run on a treadmill right after you have lost so much blood.

I've become very attached to the ring, more than a little stud i could have chose.

I even like it better than i did my brow.

the only problem is that my body dosn't like it, neither do my parents or my doctor at that.

He keeps telling me to take it out so i can get off the medication.

So am at a point where i can't decide. I've become attached to the ring, what it looks like and also what it stands for.

But it can be a hassel and i really should be more responible.

So a decison has to be made, to keep it and enjoy...for how long i must ask my self, or to take it out, let the healing runs it's course and possibly have a scar on my nose for prom and graduation.

sigh.

Febuary twenty ninth

"the garbage chips"

 

This is after school i believe, underwood throw out a bag of partly eaten chips. sara decided to take them back. mhhhm. cough.

Side note:

i havn't updated the blog for so long because i was in winnipeg and too busy. But i did take pictures!

I'm so frustrated.
There are so many things that i want to say, but you're never around. there are days when i think that you forget about me. or days that you chose to ignore me. Instead of listening to me, you lecture me about issues in my life. I wish that you could relize that i'm not going to be around next year and this is your last shot.Maybe if you took some time, which if you re-arrange things and set some prioties you might have,you could have a proper realtionship with me.I miss you.

"Nice christian girls and boys"

warning: read it all the way thru or you'll get the wrong idea...it's long, so really, if ya want to skip it be my guest.

I've been a nice christian girl my whole life ( debate this to your hearts content) but latley i've been doing a lot of thinking, and mulling about ideas in my mind .And i have come to the conclusion that i don't want to be a "nice" christian girl any more.

You see i'm sick of being a "nice" christian girl, Christianity has become so watered down and mellow and i hate it. I have been what is discribed in Revelation 3:16 ...luke warm.

"But since you are lukewarm and not hot or cold, I'm going to spit you out of my mouth."Revelation 3:16

That dosn't sound all that hot. So not for me. I refuse to be luke warm! i don't wanna be spit out.

I found this guy's blog about this very topic and he said this:

we need men and women who are madly and passionately in love with Jesus…who have a Philippians 3:10-11 mindset, who take Hebrews 12:2 view in life, who realize Philippians 2:5-11 was the BOLDEST move ever made and who want Matthew 22:36-40 to be true in their own lives.

That's what i want for my life! I want to be a women who is madly and passionately in love with Jesus…who has a Philippians 3:10-11 mindset, who takes Hebrews 12:2 view in life, who realizes Philippians 2:5-11 was the BOLDEST move ever made and who wants Matthew 22:36-40 to be true in their own lives.

And for those of you feeling a little lazy here are those verses:


10I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
5Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
6Who, being in very nature[a] God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
7but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature[b] of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
8And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
9Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
10that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
11and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.



36"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" 37Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'[a] 38This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'[b] 40All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."


I guess that this isn't really a new thing...it's been mulling around in this nogan of mine for ages now. It's one of the reasons that several months ago i changed my "Religious Views" on my facebook page from Christian to Christ Follower. Somedays i am compleatly embarassed and ashamed to be called a christian because i see what my fellow " Christians" are up too. Somedays i wish that i could rid myself of the Title christian for ever and just go by some other title that for the time being is still acceptable, Like Christ follower, Jesus follower.Although i know that eventually Sin will destroy those titles as well

Those titles seem so much more friendly and inviting to me with out all the negative connotations of religious brodcasting and crusaides.So what if they make me sound like a dirty hippy trying to go against the system.

Maybe i'm to sensitive. Every time some one refers to be as the religious one ( which happens a lot) i am quick to correct them. Not because i have a problem with people knowing the i have faith and stick to it ( thats a good thing and i hope that people will be able to tell) but because it brings all kind of images in my mind mostly about people on TV asking for money or fundamental religious fanatics that just want to "win your soul for day Lord , allulia!" REally what i want to tell them is “but I’m not THAT, kind of ‘religious’ person”. Often i say " well i'm not religious but i'm SPIRTUAL" but really this may have the exact same impact on the person.

Really what i would love to be is title free.Titles limit us as much as the define us. The problem is that the world is so focused on titles for everything "what do you do?" "what religious ideas do you subscribe to?"

What ever happened to that old annoying song " they will know we are christians by our love" i wish that The term christian could be stripped down and people could understand what it's all about.

Christian means Little Christ. As christians we are supposed to strive to be more and more like Jesus Christ. Maybe it's just me and the reason the i have been labled is because i'm a "nice christian girl". Well That What i'm kinda getting at i guess As I strive to be a passionate lover and follower of Jesus i want people to know what i belive in and stand for by my love,my nature, and through Jesus himself reflecting through my life.

Now of course this is going to take work, and it isn't going to be easy but it't definatly worth it. I think that i really need to examine my life, What am i doing that i shouldn't be, what i should be doing that i'm not, and if there is something more that God wants be to pick up and bear like a cross.

Then comes the Guilt... I feel as if i'vr failed my fellow Jesus lovers by blackening the name and bringing apon shame. so here goes.

I Am so sorry to all of you.
to the christians: i'm sorry if i have done to you exactly what i have ben dicribing, embarrased and brought to shame.
To the non christians ( that just made me cringe ) i'm sorry that i have given you a false representation of Jesus. Jesus is not who i have made him out to be through my behaviour. Sure Jesus is edgy and certainly not a "nice jewish boy" but he didn't do things like gossip and make rude gestures behind his mothers back.

Sure it's not just Christians that do this other religious have their titles that they must be ashamed of, or groups that they don't want to be associated with. I'm sure that there are musilims out there that correct people and say " i'm not that kind or musilim."

So more on love...I think that Love is what it's all about, and to quote the beatles " love is all we need" which works pefectly in the christian sence because GOD IS LOVE 1 john 4:16 ( oh dear i'm going to have the song stuck in my head all night as i had to sing the beginning of the song to remember the reference)And that religion with out love is religion with out god...which to be sounds pretty foolish and pointless. So there you go. My religion is now the religion of love. As a side note the word christian is mentioned only 2 times i think but the word love is mentioned around 610x in the KJV. So you tell me what's more important.

Now hold on one sec! does this mean that you are going to drop every thing that you know and have grown up knowing, stop going to church and be all like " oh love is all you need and as long as you have love and believe in some higer power then your golden?"

NO.

I think that as a passionate Lover of jesus i am obviously called to Love all people, but not to agree with them. in the words of brian mclaren in " a generous orthodoxy" : of course as a follower of Jesus, you will learn to love and draw near to everyone, whateve religion or lack there of, including christians. in so doing , you will exemplify what a Christian should be.

One more passage from brian ( it's my favorite book) : Jesus didn't want to create an "in -group" he wanted to create a " come-on-in group", one that sought and welcomed everyone.such a group camenot to conquer, not to badger, not to canqishnot to eradicate other groups, but to save them, redeem them, bless them, respect them, love them, befriend them, and embrace them.

or , put it another way, Jesus threathen people with inclusion; if they were to be excluded it would be because they refused to accept their acceptance. If people rejectedhis acceptance, he did not retaliate against them, but summitted himself to humiliation, mistreatment, even crucifixtion by them. it is like this: it is when we are weak that we are strong. so, the word taht perhaps best characterizes that christian church is vulnerablity...the people who are to be won and saved should, as it were, alwats have the possiblity of crucifying the witness of the gospel"]
you might object: but Jesus said he didn't come to bring peace but a sword. He spoke of families being divided because of him and his message. imagine these senarios: imagine you're the white son of white, racist parents. one day you come home and say " as a follower of Christ, i think we should love Africian Americans and Hispanics." As a peacemaker in the way of Christ, you will creat division.
As Chesterton Writes: "any man who preaches REAL LOVE is bound to beget hate...realy love has always ended in bloodshed"

...
( there is a bunch in between but this is still Brian)

I am saying that because we followJesus, because we belive Jesus is true, and becaue Jesus moves toward all people in love abd kindness and grace, WE MUST DO THE SAME"

Ok back to me now. Honestly I wish that All of you could read this book and particuarly the chapter " why am i incarnational"

So well i guess all of this has been a Long explaination of what mulling around this nogan of mine.And it also will and explaination as to why once again i'm changing the facebook "religious views" to "Lover of God, The world, and YOU".
pS I'm not that clever..other people all ready have that as there "title" . Who know's someday i might Leave it blank. Let them know we are "Christians" by our LOVE".

SIGH. that was a long post. and there is certainly more where taht came from.

This post is for sheila, hahah

The reasons why Valintines day sucks.

it's expensive.
you always end up eating one of those cinimmon hearts which are gross.
everything is friggen pink.
i gave up chocolate for lent so i don't get anythings.
The carnations at school always look a little dead.


ok i honestly don't really hate the day that much...i just hate the commercial aspects of it.

AHHH. what do i do. i hate decisions. so i had a delema, first i hate Distance ed, so i think of switching courses. no courses available. so then i think of dropping the class compleatly..but then i can't get scholarships and with my logic that means that i will end up in debt and be to depressed to work it off so i will end up in more debt ect ect...so then my art teacher says that i can take and extra art course. so i go to guidance and he laughs at me. you see that would be my 6th art course. he says it isn't possible since i have credits for all the art courses offerd..don't know how i managed that one though. so then i'm back to square one..but more hurt cause teachers arn't supposed to laugh at you and imply that your an idiot and that all you can do is art. all he said was" well switch couses within distance ed" so that would meen that i would have to restart another course using a system that i hate. i like econmoics and i'm actually fairly good at it, but it's alot of work and only having an hour in class to work on it cause i don't have all the programs i need at home is not enough. so then i could take something like digital tech, which the guidance teacher says i should do because it's more like art. art is not the only thing i can do. damn it. so then i get thinking mayeb that would actaully work. but it turns out that i have even less of the programs needed to do that course at home. so then maybe i stay in economics..but i really don't have time. so then maybe i can do some other one like health and nutrition...that should be really easy. but then i can't look at the summary of the course so who knows i could have to do a crazy amount of projects.

please comment if you have ANY suggestions for me.

-erin

ok this is going to sound really sad but the show "house" has really got me thinking. Do people change? Can we? when we see people who have appeared to change is it just an allusion? or a lie?
Latly i've been noticing changes in some of my closest frineds, and honestly it scares me.

I really wish that i could start this stupid distance ed course that i'm taking, i'm wasting an entire class everyday so far..i could be doing other things.

Today i was feeling nostalgic so i went back and read old blog entrys i found this.
Why do the babies starve
When there's enough food to feed the world
Why when there're so many of us
Are there people still alone
Why are the missiles called peace keepers
When they're aimed to kill
Why is a woman still not safe
When she's in her home
Love is hate
War is peace
No is yes
And we're all free
But somebody's gonna have to answer
The time is coming soon
Admidst all these questions and contradictions
There're some who seek the truth
But somebody's gonna have to answer
The time is coming soon
When the blind remove their blinders
And the speechless speak the truth
-tracy chapman

The world is going to shit.

I hate this feeling, the feeling of hopelessness and not being about to anything about it. I see stuff going on alround be and the little i can do i don't see make a difference. Frig.

So The unrest in Kenya right now is affecting me much more that i would have ever thought.

Some back ground:

The Leader of the country is from the Kikuyu tribe, and in the election a member of another tribe was elected but the vote was said to be corrupt. So vnow the two tribes are fighting, severaly kikuyu chuches have benn burnt down with everyone inside. This is extreamly hard to hear for anyone but i also have a personal attachment...
My dad's best friend through colledge and my God father Moses Njoroge is a preist and professer in kenya. He is a member of the kikuyu tribe. I presume that you can see where i'm going. Another thing is that all last week my dad has been sending him e-mails...none of them returned. The other day we tried calling( it's hard to work out the greatest times) but his phone had been disconnected.

This has affected me way more that i would have thought, you see i don't really "know" him. He's my God father whom i have heard storys about and seen pictures and sends us an e-mail once and a while but the last time he saw me i was small enough to hold.

For years i've somehow felt a supernatural maybe attachment to kenya, maybe because of moses or maybe a calling from God. A few years ago i made it my plan to save my money and fly to Kenya as a mission trip and as a way of getting to know moses.

Well friends i'm now on a desprate search. I've been trying to understand more about the situation and also where specifically those fires and out breaks were. The problem is that i can't figure out excatly where he was located. All i know is that he is at a school and a church that we thought was St annes. But i'm starting to think that the info is wrong as the only time i've found his name is in connection to ST pauls. i'm currently reading his thesis..i think partly because i have always wanted to and it's some sort of connection and i'm looking for reference to where he grew up as it is about the kikuyu culture.

My one request is that you pray for him, Moses, and for his family. His wife mary and thier kids Faith,sharrack, ruth and Elijah. And also pray for the country as a whole.

Later.

Erin is going to have a schedualed outrage at 1:13 pm.

I hate it i hate it i hate it! art makes me sick to my stomach and gives me alcers. There are days that i would rather take math. ( i can't believe i just said that).

I wanted to burst into tears yesterday in class from the stress.

I just lost basically 500$ with exams because my avrage dropped so much. I havn't had such a low english mark in years. Now i won't be able to get the same entrace scholarship into STU. Damn it.

My fear is that i will end up in debt and then be too stressed to continue school and then have to quit but then all the money will have been wasted.\

Frustration.

Mixed feelings

There are moments that i can't wait to get out of this place ( most of the time actaully) but then there are those times that i really just want to curl up in a ball in the corner of maket square and never leave. Things that for years i've taken for grantit are now becoming apperent to me.

A little example: Milk. i so didn't realise how flippen expensive it is. It's my favorite but i think that i will have to give it up. Because not only will i be broke but i also can't seem to understand why MILK is so expensive, for goodness sake it comes from cows. Maybe if they didn't give all those cows chemicals and hormones the milk would be cheaper ( actaually i understand taht it actaully would be more expensive..) But Still . argg

There are things and people that i will miss terrribly, and some of them i feel slipping away already. i hate it. i feel as if people are preparing for seperation and are there for taking less of an intrest in eachother.


Well that's all for now kids.

-Erin

Dearest blog, I have neglected you as i have been focused on the new blog.
But you must remember that you serve a purpose you my blog are ment for rambles and emotional posts and things that arn't just day to day.

Happy new year!

i havn't blogged in ages, it seems that because facebook is so great a keeping in touch with people that i havnt' had anything to write.

Not much has changed really. it's the same old same old. i'm applying fro university tommorow and that excites me and scares me at the same time.

i started a new blog http://photo-a-day-hodge.blogspot.com/ that will act as a photo jornal, check it out if ya have the chance.

-erin