Damn it, I want to be an artist. Thats it. Thats the truth the hard shocking truth. The kind of truth that my parents will worry about, the kind that society says is crazy.

I want to me a stay at home mom, but try telling the guidance counscillor that. It's worse than saying that you want to be an artist of a living.

I want to be the kind of mom that stays at home and homeschools her kids and lets them play in her art studio.

Sure there are all kinds of things that i know i could do, things that i may be more succesful at, things that will make my parents more happy. My mom once said, and i'm not sure if she understood how much this hurt me, that she would love to paint for a living but she needs to do something that brings glory to god. That made me snap, our of anger and sadness. It broke my heart to hear my mom say that painting dosn't bring glory to god. Not that i agree with that at all! I'm of the mind that God wants us to create. He gave us the ablity to create and it makes him happy to see us use our gifts. Creating for the Creator is my motto and i'm sticking to it. Just like an Art teacher does (should in my case) be very please at any creation a student makes because they are using what they have learned. r how and english teacher is pleased when a student picks up a book or writes a poem, i think God is happy when i paint.

So here the thing, i'm of the mind set that God isn't stuck up in the details. I DON'T think that God has ONE thing that i am called to do. I think as long as i do something that uses the gifts and talents that he gave me, that it is healthy for me, and i do that thing using what he has taught me, in love then i'm golden. I've said it before and i'll say it now: it's like a parent that takes their child to the park. They say "Have fun", be carful, and don't hit. They don't say: you are destined to play on the swing for 10 mins and then the slide for 5.5 mins. Thats my theory---that god is like that parent.

And honestly i think of all the things that i could do, of all the playgroud equipment that i can use and i'm drawn to a few specifically, but thats MY desire.

There are so many different careers that though my life i've wanted to be...here i'll make a list of all the different things i've wanted to do with my life:

from the first idea i ever had to present:

A vetrenarian and a mom
A doctor and a mom
A firefighter and a mom
An engineer and a mom
An architech and a mom
A writer and a mom
a councillor and a mom
A radio jurnalist and a mom
A youth pastor and a mom
A minister and a mom
A business owner and a mom
An international Aid worker and a mom

hmm. see a pattern there?


When i sit and think of all the things that i can do i simply picture this, me being able to take my kids to the park and Huge canvases lining the walls of my fabuluos and spacious studio are the only things i see.

So you saw the list of the possible careers i've thought about...now get this:

Ace

Alister

asher

terance

hunter

xavier

elijah

issac

nataniel

nathanael

paul

gavin

silas

mack

harrison

samuel

Ada

Adaia

Juno

genna

sadie

Addie

gray

Adora

Agape

aimée

amélie

Anna

sophie

faith

jayne

jane

norah

moriah

ava

catherine

These are only like a quarter of the names that i have been compiling since i could write. Names that i would consider naming my kids.

But then my head feels like it's going to explode. Cause well..WHAT THE HELL. i don't even have a boyfriend. And i've got lists of names. geezh.

Then i get to thinking...If i want to be an artist...I REALLY DO, Why am i not going to art school. why am i going to STU.

BUt then i think to my self...but i want to do that too...
then i want to get my masters...
and i want to travel
and i also would like to have a place to live and not be homeless with a masters degree and so much debt that i have to slip out of the country and become a refguee because i spent 8 years learning about internation aid to protect them. GOD. i can't even make it though a year of university with out a loan and i want to get my masters and go to art school.

But...i know the good old verse. thru him all things are possible... and i need to trust him. Trust him with my money, which i'm trying desperatly to do, even tithing is super hard for me. Even though in the long run i always have enough money if i do tith...

But honestly i just want to paint. Big canvases and loads of coulor and paint stained clothes and messy hair.

That what i want. I want to do commisions and sell paintings. Who cares if i don't even make minium wage off of them. For instance i'm getting paid for a painting tomorrow that i spent several weeks working on and i;m getting 250$ which sounds nice...but if you think of the canvas and the paint ans the time...well it's not going to pay rent.

Frig. I Dream in paint. NO joke. I DREAM in paint. with the occasional dream in chalk and pastel.

I have nbo idea what i am feeling. it hurts my head.

God, please make this make sence. And i haven't even thought about the fact that graduation is next week. oh dear.