Here's the truth...
nothing but the truth,

I'm a failure

i'm messed up

i make mistakes

i've been fake, put on a mask, pretended to be something that i'm not, something no one is. i've but on the face like i've got it all together...but thats a lie. i'm messed up and so are you.

time to face the facts, to be honest to be TRUE,REAL,AUTHENTIC.

That is what i long for...not just long, not just search for...i'm hunting for it

to know the true, real and AUTHENTIC Jesus, in his awsome, revolutionary and edgy way, and then...note that understanding Jesus is my first step. Then i can be who i was made to be. Right now, right here though...i'm being real but admitting something that our human nature makes it hard to do...that i'm certainly not perfect- that i have issues. i'm sorry.

Last night, lying looking up at the ceiling i thought about just the things that i did wrong that day...and to be honest, i was ashamed. In the same way that sometimes i don't feel like i fit in with a group because they are better people than me, to feel ashamed and know that i am the most messed up one...i realized that i was in the presence of GOD. And holy crap did that shake me to the core. to realize that i was in the presence of a divine, perfect and unimaginable being, and i felt shame. i was listening to a talk...and there was a story that went like this:

in my dream i was in a waiting room before heaven
in the room sitting on the couches was me,mother thersa, a few of my buddies and hitler. over an intercom a voice called people in by two's to be judged. i thought to my self....let me go in with hitler...not mother thersa please not mother thersa, she will make me look bad...but hitler, well i'll look like a saint. finaly i'm called in...with hitler. "YES!". i walk in the room thinking that it will go well because compared to hitler i look good. THEN i see god, and flat on my face i fall. comparing my self to hitler or others no longer matter because i have seen the face of God, and now i compare myself to GOD!

as i listen to this story, i was mentally lying face first on the ground before the lord.

and i learned this,the awazing thing--that as messed up as i am, GOD LOVES TO PICK ME UP, CLEAN ME OFF, TAKE CARE OF ME AND FIX MY MISTAKES, HE LOVES ME. this is something that i have known for ages, but to FEEL it was a tottaly differnt thing