thoughts &questions Prt 3

it's now midnight. and my father is bugging me to go to bed and i know i should but i need to finnish. i need to get these thoughts out so that i can have some peace.

Love.
something that has brought up questions for me for years and i don't think that they will ever end.
What is love to me?
is it a feeling?and emotion?
a commitment?
a risk?
something only in our dreams?
is it something that only some people find?
is it something you "find" at all?
and what does it truly meen to love?
does true love never fail? how bout love at first sight?
and falling out of love?
should love hurt?
how do you know is you really do love someone?
does anybody have perfect love?
why does god love me?
and why would anybody?

i had a conversation with someone once and it ended with me being rather upset and with more questions. this person told me that people use the word love to flippently.

do i agree with that?
in some whys i do but at the same time i srtuggle with it. i think every body needs to be told that they are loved.but is it false?
-
i've blocked myself of from love and now i have trouble loving people without guilt, i'm trying despertly to let people in to letthem get to know me which is one reason i made this blog. i try to wirte in this like i would a diary forcing my self to let people know what i'm thinking instead of putting up a wall. ( thank you jonathon for showing me exactly what i was doing)
i'm now trying to let peple in.
-- i had a row with my borther this summer and one of the things that i didn't want to hear (thats true) is the fact that as soon as their is somethingk wrong i shut off from the world.

i have forced myself not to love because i don't want to get hurt again ( i'm not talking about romantic love) i was so concerned that someone would let me down that i stopped myself from loving.
-recently i had a conversationg with someone about that very topic and they said this.: "The beautiful thing about love is , there are no guarantees"the thing that makes love special is the fast that it's a risk..we don't know what will happen ommorow or the next day.but if we chosse to love it can make a world of difference.

i guess the only constant love is gods.he perfects our love.god is the only one that can truly love perfectly.

now that brings up more quesions.
---
what is perfect?
we can't possible know what perfec tis because we have never experienced anything compleatly perfect. infac ti'm amazed that it's evern a word.if we knew what perfect was thenevery sigle person would agree.there would be no doubt about it. and if we knew what perfec twas there would immediatly be people allover the world trying to make it a reality.
now here's when what i just said comes into conflict with my faith. we do have an example of perfect , jesus.so we as christians should be doing more to make perfect happen!

so here's my last question for tonight. What is my perfect?what is yours?
---
what all these questions make me think about is the story that Wright used in his book " simply christian"
there was world compleatly ruled by a dicator..not a bad one but he never the less had compleat control.but allthrough the world there was these abnormally springs of water that would pop up.it made the dictator feel less in control so he took controll be paving the intire world. cement comering every where other thab designated wells. And he was in controll. but then something becang to happen the water began to fose it's way out and shot out every where.

this story is basically supposed to be a parralle to our world . we take contolr of our lives by paving it over blocking out questions. but everntually the questiongs break through and pop put every where. Thats where i'm at now.
well more on the story later.
-erin